You don’t lose connection because you’re wrong; you lose it because of how you respond when you feel unseen or unheard.
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Introduction
For most of my life, I absolutely despised being misunderstood. It made my skin crawl. I could not rest until the other person saw things the way I was trying to convey. If they did not, I felt uneasy, anxious, restless, and often frustrated or angry. I did not realize it then, but what I called “wanting to be clear” was really an attempt to control how others perceived me.
Years ago, before I became an author, a men’s coach, and a mentor, I worked in IT. I mostly excelled at designing systems, leading teams, and solving problems under pressure. But beneath that competence, I was painfully immature. Not because I lacked integrity or discipline, but because I was carrying unaddressed pain.
It showed up most clearly in my desperate need to be understood, agreed with, and… right. It wasn’t rooted in some sort of ego-based need to be praised and lauded. It was rooted in insecurity.
I led developers on high-stakes projects with conflict, tight deadlines, and shifting expectations. My need to be understood became heightened and led to tense conversations. Many of my colleagues considered me “Mr. Verbose,” sending long emails, explaining and re-explaining to make sure everyone knew exactly what I meant and why my ideas mattered.
If you had asked me then, I would have said I was being thorough and professional. Looking back, though, I can see that I was anxious, over-functioning, and uncomfortable being misunderstood. The need to make certain I clarified every unclear word was rooted in a deep-seated belief that being wrong could threaten my credibility, and ultimately, well-being. So, when a manager said, “Just get to the point,” I could not hear that as useful feedback, only danger.
Why?
Because being misunderstood felt far too similar to being in trouble.
That obsession with being understood pointed back to a feeling of trying to avoid trouble, back to times when my sense of safety was highly dependent on other people’s agreement and acceptance. So I grew to confuse being understood with being secure. After years of the same pattern showed up in my marriage, I finally began to see it with the help of some wise mentors: this was not a communication issue; it was a need for more emotional maturity. I was still stuck in old feelings where being understood felt necessary to being safe.
What I have learned since is that how we respond to being misunderstood reveals far more than our communication style. It reveals our wounds, our fears, and our relationship with our own power and agency.
When We Are Misunderstood, Our Maturity Is Revealed
Picture this. Your wife misreads your tone in a text. You send a note to a coworker, then worry it came across wrong, so you send a follow-up to clarify. A colleague accuses you of dropping the ball, and you feel the blood rush out of your face.
Your chest tightens.
Your jaw locks.
Your mind races to fix it, prove it, or make it go away.
Those first ninety seconds are a great test. What do we feel long before clever words or perfect explanations? Are we focused on what other people might think or feel?
This is the moment where our maturity shows up, or hides. The more we are thinking about what other people are thinking about, the more it reveals about being stuck in old patterns.
Today, we might label these reactions as anxiety, attachment dysregulation, shame responses, or trauma patterns. That’s fine. My use of the word “immature” may ruffle feathers. I do not mean it as an insult or diagnosis. I mean something hopeful: this is not pathology, it is a stage of development we have not finished growing through.
Why Men Struggle When They Are Misunderstood
Many men learned to survive misunderstanding in two ways: we collapse or we explode. We either shrink to regain approval or fight to reclaim control. Most of us recognize both. We collapse in one area and explode in another. None of this means we are broken. It means we adapted. Even as adults, our nervous systems can treat misunderstanding like a threat to survival.
The Collapsing Man: When Misunderstanding Makes You Shrink
From the outside, it looks soft; inside, it is brutal. We start pleading, pleasing, and panicking. We perform to manage impressions. We people-please to keep the peace. When that fails, we pout, placate, or pacify. Sometimes we freeze, pretend, or paralyze ourselves to avoid rejection. We are not weak; we are scared. Fear convinces us to trade our truth for approval.
The Explosive Man: When Misunderstanding Feels Like Defiance
From the outside, this can look strong, but inside it is hollow. We start posturing, punishing, or pressuring. We project, provoke, or become pugilistic. We persecute, patronize, polarize, or poison others with jabs or moral superiority. We are not evil; we are scared. Fear convinces us to trade connection for control.
The Hidden Fear Beneath Every Red Flag
Both patterns are red flags, not because we are bad men, but because they reveal where we are wounded. They reveal where misunderstanding does not feel like difference. It feels like danger. It feels like our worth is on the line. That is not often a character defect born in malice; it is pain. It is insecurity, dependency, shame, and inadequacy working together.
Why We Crave Understanding and How It Keeps Us Stuck
Let’s look at the word itself: understand. Historically, it means to “stand among or to grasp within, to hold meaning from the inside out.” The problem is that when we are emotionally immature, we do not trust ourselves to do that. We do not believe we can stand within our own experience and make sense of it. Insecurity drives us to look outward for someone else to do the holding.
So instead of standing within, we look for someone to stand under us, to hold up our sense of self with their agreement and validation. Now, I’m not saying it’s bad or wrong to seek understanding! Being understood can be really great. Connection often thrives on understanding. I love being understood as much as the next person. But when it becomes a requirement to feel okay instead of a desire and preference, it begins to trap us. Now we need others to “stand under” us or we can’t stand at all. In doing so, we hand away internal authority, power, and make their perspective responsible for our peace.
That is the architecture of immaturity:
Shame & Inadequacy → Externalized Self-Worth → External Dependency
→ Fear & Insecurity → Seeking under-standing
The collapsing man fears he is not enough, so he pleads, pleases, and performs for those who hold power over his sense of well-being.
The explosive man fears he is not respected, so he postures, punishes, and provokes the one he believes to be a threat to his value and worth.
Two costumes, same wounds.
When “My Wife Thinks I’m a Narcissist” Is Not What It Seems
Since we are talking about reactions to being misunderstood, there is a heartbreaking trend I have been experiencing. More and more men are contacting me, saying, “My wife thinks I am a narcissist,” and who are facing separation, divorce, and the loss of everything they’ve worked for.
Here’s why…their collapsing and explosive responses to being misunderstood often look a lot like the key traits of narcissism to a partner who already feels unsafe: collapsing pleas and panic, or explosive posturing and punishment. Not necessarily as the most commonly known form (Grandiose Narcissism), but other forms that men are less aware of, such as Covert Narcissism, Vulnerable Narcissism, or Cerebral Narcissism.
Their spouse or partner searches online for answers, finds Instagram reels, posts, and videos that sound familiar, and the pieces seem to fit. They tell her that she is in danger and leaving is the only safe choice. So she does, and suddenly the man who “just wanted to be understood” is now facing some of the most painful circumstances of his life.
This is a very serious and growing crisis for men. Yes, these reactions overlap with traits associated with narcissism, but most of the time they are not pathology; they are pain.
The way forward is not to defend the labels. It is to heal into a man who can stay calm when misunderstood, grounded in conflict, and emotionally safe to be close to. For deeper clarity and tools, see my book Narcissist! Or Not? and the deeper self-assessment here:
- Book: https://amzn.to/49glbGi
- Assessment: https://bit.ly/40XFWnV
The Spectrum of Maturity: From Red Flags to Green Flags
Here is a quick reference to help you recognize your patterns and what to aim for. The goal is awareness, not perfection.
Collapsing Pain: Pleading, Pleasing, Panicking, Performing, People-pleasing, Pouting, Placating, Pacifying, Paralyzing, Pretending
Mature Presence: Patience, Presence, Peacefulness, Perspective, Playfulness, Pleasure, Poise, Precision, Partnership, Purpose
Explosive Pain: Posturing, Punishing, Pressuring, Projecting, Provoking, Pugilistic, Persecuting, Patronizing, Polarizing, Poisoning
Which ones feel the most common for you?
Red Flags Are Beacons for Healing
It can be quite sobering to see this about ourselves. Here’s the good news… our red flags do not condemn us, they guide us. Catching ourselves pleading or posturing, performing or pressuring is not failure; it is feedback. These reactions are lighthouses, not landmines. If we learn to follow them with honesty and courage, they can lead us home to safety, healing, and maturity.
But that’s not always an intuitive process.
How to Begin the Shift Toward Maturity
Most men will see their undesirable behaviors and just swear them off, promising to change, but then falling back into them. That’s because true change does not start by simply swapping bad behaviors for better ones. Replacement is a fruit of transformation, not the root. The path to sustainable change begins when we stop trying to control how others see us and start noticing what misunderstanding stirs in us. Those feelings are signals pointing to wounds that still need care.
We must address those wounds to mature.
Next time misunderstanding hits and your pulse spikes, do not rush to defend or explain. Pause. Feel your feet. Let your breath fall all the way out. Ask:
- What does this feeling remind me of?
- Why do I want this person to understand me?
- What do I worry will happen if they don’t?
- Where did I first learn that being misunderstood is not safe?
- What story am I believing about myself that makes this moment feel threatening?
Working inward, the pattern often looks like:
Seeking under-standing → Insecurity & Fear → External Dependency
→ Outsourced Value & Worth → Shame and Inadequacy
Shame and inadequacy sit at the root. They lose power when we examine and challenge the stories we tell about worth, safety, and love. As those stories change, fear softens, insecurity relaxes, dependency dissolves, and patience, presence, and purpose rise naturally.
The Real Test of Masculine Maturity
As we mature, we can begin to treat every misunderstanding as a mirror that reveals where we still outsource our sense of well-being, value, and worth. Each misunderstanding can show where our inner little boy still hurts, and where our wiser, steadier man is waiting to rise.
This doesn’t happen if we treat these moments like a test to pass by convincing others to understand us. We grow mature by choosing to use the moment to understand ourselves enough to stay grounded when others do not see things the same way.
But this kind of growth doesn’t happen in isolation.
No man matures alone.
We need reflection, challenge, and brotherhood; other men walking the same path who remind us who we are when shame, fear, or self-doubt pull us back into old patterns.
Practicing this work in the company of grounded, supportive brothers turns insight into transformation.
That is the quiet strength of a mature man, the kind of presence that calms rooms, steadies families, and builds trust without control.
If you’re ready to break free from isolation and begin walking this path with other men, join our community here:
And if you’re ready to take the next step, to heal your deeper wounds, rewrite your old stories, and embody grounded masculine presence, begin The Masterful Journey, a two-month intensive designed to help you mature from the inside out:
Because misunderstanding doesn’t just test communication, it tests maturity.
And when we learn to stand under ourselves, misunderstanding stops threatening our peace and starts refining our power.
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