I encounter men routinely who find themselves deeply frustrated, exhausted, and exasperated from what feels like an endless dredging up of past wrongs and hurts by their wives.
“Why won’t she just let it go?”
“I just want us to move on!”
“I feel like I apologize over and over again!”
“She says I never listen to her, but I do! I could recite it word for word.”
“Why won’t she forgive me?!”
I too know this feeling and spent two decades often experiencing the same kind of issues with my wife. Eventually, I concluded that I must have a broken and busted wife because clearly, she had the memory of an elephant about wrongdoing and just couldn’t forgive me.
Like most of the men I encounter, I blamed her past, her upbringing, her abusive experiences, her childhood, her father, and her trouble with her parents… it was pretty easy to see the causes – so I thought. These unhelpful narratives are completely unhelpful and themselves erode the relationship.
In reality, I was just a bonehead about relating to women. Most men of late are too.
If this is you, I’m not saying it’s your fault. or that you’re a bad man. Until someone shows us, we just don’t know what we don’t know – until someone shows us. No one showed me so I didn’t know. Then a few mentors showed me and the transformative power of it was eye-popping for me.
Laying a good foundation
After struggling for hours through what feels like a “hurts from the past death match”, it’s hard to believe good things about our wives and not just throw our hands up in despair.
I know for me, for some reason these kinds of “discussions” took place in the hot tub and I distinctly remember lowering my head under the water afterward and thinking “I’m not sure I want to resurface”. I felt like I was drowning in exasperation anyway, so mine as well just not come up for air.
The last thing I would have wanted a mentor to tell me is to “remember the best things about my wife”. Yet, this is the essential cornerstone for moving forward together into a relationship most men want (and their female partners want to).
In my community, we call this “high regard” or “unconditional high regard” or “unconditional positive regard”. The ancient Greeks called it “Agape”. It’s not a feeling but a deliberate act of the conscious self to choose to build and keep our internal view of someone as being virtuous, lovely, noble, esteemed, and everything else that views them in a pure and life-giving way instead of merely by their actions and behaviors.
Why would a woman want to be with a man who felt differently?
To do this requires a belief that we are not our actions and deeds and that something greater and noble is at our core. It’s viewing others by that beautiful and unvarnished core.
When we begin here, with a cornerstone of unconditional high regard, it begins to build a foundation of acceptance of our wives, who they are, and what they need.
From here we can begin to build layer-upon-layer, assuming the best about them. We remind ourselves that they’re not broken, not busted, not anything unlovely. Rather, we can see that they’re doing their best, that they have pains and hurts, and that they’re bringing them to us because they want something from us.
Not something impossible, but possible!
What is it that they want that is possible?
What they need is our empathy, compassion, and understanding.
Here’s the rub… an anxious, fearful, insecure, and ashamed man cannot show empathy, compassion, and understanding to his wife with any reliability. He’s far too consumed trying to achieve a sense of worthiness, acceptance, and confidence in himself through the approval of others that all his attention needs to stay on being right.
When this man encounters these past hurts death matches, this man’s brain goes right into explaining HIMSELF, defending HIMSELF, telling HIS SIDE of the story, correcting the record, telling her where she’s mistaken, etc. Not only is that woefully ineffective, it actually causes more hurt to his female partner.
All of that energy is a man trying to protect HIMSELF. It’s impossible to show empathy when we’re occupied with self-defense.
A man doing this, for a woman, is like driving down a coastal highway, her looking to one side saying “I see scary cliffs” and he looks to the other side saying “I see beautiful beaches”.
He’s just completely unwilling to see her perspective because he wants her to see his. I call this “perspective dominance” and it’s a relationship-killing toxin.
He thinks because he heard the syllables and words she used to describe her experience that he has “heard” her. Nope. He didn’t. He heard evidence his ego uses to quickly build a counter-point.
He heard just enough to compare it to his own view and choose his viewpoint as the correct, “accurate” viewpoint.
That’s not communication, brother; that’s warfare! That’s why she feels like the adversary!
Why does she begin to feel it’s impossible?
This is why she says “you never listen!”
This is why she says “you always make it about you!”
From her perspective, her man really doesn’t truly listen – not to her heart – because he’s too busy going back to the lens of his experience – making it about himself.
It’s also why women call these kinds of husbands Narcissists – because one trait of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Of course, very few of these men truly are Narcissists, but the point remains, that the feeling of being with a man without empathy is agonizing for a woman.
Note: To be blunt, this describes my former self. It also describes most men that I mentor. Rather than speak more deeply to those underlying issues here, I’ll just say… if this is you, the very first thing you need to do is address shame, fear, anxiety, and insecurity within yourself. You simply won’t be happy in marriage or any romantic relationship until you do.
Once a man begins to adequately address his own issues, he can then show up in these encounters in a much different frame, knowing with deep confidence that there is no need to defend himself, no need to set her record straight, no benefit to explaining himself or to get her to see his perspective.
Where empathy takes us
Once you can show up in these moments with calmness, clarity, self-confidence, and empathy, you’re then able to bring your innate masculine strength into the encounter.
You’re able to lay your lens down and are willing to peer through hers.
What was her experience like? What and how did she feel? Where did that cause her heart to go?
This is what the woman in our life wants – our presence with her in those hurtful times. Validation of the awful feelings of pain, hurt, abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness, being unseen, being uninvited, and being overlooked.
But we can’t see those things if we are only willing to look through our own lens.
Understanding what she wants to show you
Imagine your relationship is a very large estate. Every month of the relationship, you and your partner add a new room. The room is filled with your shared experience for the month.
Month after month, you add rooms. Over time… years, decades, and longer, you’ve really got a lot of rooms!
Now imagine that the woman in your life, being a creature with diffuse focus, attention to detail, and a disposition toward creating and protecting love within your estate spends some of her time going down the hallways and opening the doors of the rooms from the past.
She doesn’t like what she sees in some of them. Perhaps she had not visited a room since it was built and upon looking at it again encountered the painful difficult experiences she had in that month. There they are – just like they were!
She slams the door shut and runs to find you in the present month room. That’s generally where you’re predictably going to be. (or sketching out your plans for future months).
“I need you to come back with me to this room on the tenth floor… it’s awful! There’s black mold growing up the walls. You didn’t _____ and I felt ______”.
In her plea is an innate, beautiful, and wonderful desire to clean those past rooms. What she wants is to be able to go back and visit those months with ease and even delight. She doesn’t want rooms that must remain locked tight. She wants the freedom to explore the relationship and appreciate every room – even the ones that were not her favorite.
What we usually (and ineffectively) do
“Baby, can’t you see I’m busy?! What do you want from me? I didn’t do that. In fact, I _____________!”
That right there… that’s called invalidating. It’s exactly the opposite of what she wants and needs. It’s also the exact opposite of what you need as a man.
Your wife isn’t acting badly. She’s not misbehaving or broken. She’s protecting the love by keeping the relationship tidy. Your wife is telling you about a black mold growing that is undermining your estate. What she is sharing with you is her wisdom that builds and protects the connection you both deeply desire.
You…? You’re on a ladder with a drywall knife in your hand and just want to work on the present room. There is a good chance you’re also kinda annoyed and far more interested in moving ahead and quick fixes so you can get back to it.
Even worse, you’re a guy who is working toward the same goal every month – building a new room where more sex, intimacy, and deep connection happen.
If you’re that guy you’re doubly annoyed because what you want is her to come into the room you’re working on, oooh and ahh over it, then invite you for a romp.
Her emotions scare the f*ck out of you. They make you feel small. They stir up shame. You just want her to stop.
Brother, if you keep doing what you’re doing, your wife will stop trying to build the relationship.
She’ll stop coming to you about past rooms. Stop sharing her love. Stop caring for the love. That’s not all – she’ll stop trusting you, stop being attracted to you, and stop having sex with you (or do so at a begrudging minimum). Why would she want to be intimate with a man who defies her attempts to promote and secure love by keeping the estate clean?
And your relationship will die. That black mold of bitterness and contempt will spread to the present room. Perhaps another man comes along who doesn’t think she’s broken but wise, beautiful, and worthy of attention. Someone who sees her, who appears safer.
What to do instead
If we can stop feeling and reacting to those awful things we feel when she barges into the present with hurts from the past, the path to love and freedom is right in front of us.
“Woah, babe… that sounds pretty awful. Let’s go check it out” (as you puts the drywall knife down and get off the ladder).
Then, imagine you grab her hand and walk down the hallway…. “which room did you say that was? Let’s go!”.
Then, you go – leading the way and you turn the handle of the door, walk into the room together, your arm around her and your heart open for whatever is on the other side.
“Ah, I see a few things myself here but tell me what in here is troubling you?”
“It’s over here. This is where I asked you for _____ and you didn’t ________. Why did you do that? That made me feel __”
“Ughhh… that’s awful sweetheart! I’m sorry. That must have been very difficult. I can really see now how that made you feel _______. I bet me leaving this in here has really caused you to feel _”
“Is there anything else you’d like me to know about how this made you feel?”
“Is there anything you need from me here?”
“Yes, I need to know that you don’t think ______ or feel _____ this about me. ”
“and I need you to hold me. I need to know you love me and that this is part of the present.”
“I need you to scrub this black mold off the wall and spray it with bleach.”
Then, you give your attention to cleaning up that room together. Identifying the risks to the estate, tidying up the room, making everything straight.”
Then she says “thank you” as you hold her again, a smile on your face.
“How are you feeling now,” you ask?
“frisky!” she says with a wink as she slaps your butt.
You can imagine what might happen next. This isn’t about having sex more, this is about using your best strengths as a man to honor her strengths and wisdom to promote love and connection in the relationship.
It just so happens to be that those men are the men that don’t need to worry about how much sex they’re having or when they’ll have it next… More sex happens in clean estates with clean rooms.
Presence – your gift to give
Masculine presence is the gift you have to give. Many men unfortunately only see presence as being valuable in the present. However, taking your gift of presence into the painful and unpleasant rooms of the past provides presence to the woman in your life too.
When a man learns to no longer become undone and unhinged in these moments but brings himself to the encounter; when he will be with his partner in empathy, compassion, acceptance, and understanding, both he and the woman in his life will benefit.
They’ll both also build a better present “room” – far better, far more connected, far more intimate, and far more loving than what he’s building on his own.
Are you having trouble navigating the rooms of the past with your partner? Reach out – let’s talk.
Sven, a very very good posting on an issue that I can identify with and clearly shows me the improvement I can make.
Thanks for your kind feedback Lester! You’ve got what it takes brother!
Jesus, this really gave me some much-needed perspective I’ve been lacking, lately. Thank you for this, I really needed a different way of looking at things happening, lately. Hopefully, I can help patch some of these old rooms.
So much on target Sven, your wisdom here is from someone who has lived in the pain & struggle of the marriage relationship, and has chosen to grow from it instead of run from it. Thank you so much for relaying this message and giving hope.
This is revolutionary. This is a 180 degree OPPOSITE approach to traditional men’s work. I can say that because I tried the opposite 180 degree approach for a long time and it failed me, and my dear wife, miserably. To tell a woman, “Honey, some things need to have an expiration date on them. I’m simply not going to revisit these issues anymore. Some skeletons need to stay in the closet, for good.” I’ve said that and can tell you it only created more deep rooted problems for our relationship.
I tried this approach Sven is describing here just yesterday after having done some initial work on myself to get more personal clarity and address some underlying fear, insecurity, anxiety and shame. The two hour “let’s open some doors…” conversation with my wife was VERY different than ones in the past. I didn’t run from her in that moment. I stayed in it and am starting to understand what “getting curious” with her really means.
This really just opened my eyes about some of the things I do a.d how my mind works I see now what my wife is looking for she wants the whole house clean not just the present room we are living in it took it being wrote out like this for me to understand thank you for the advice I think this may help me alot
Wow you hit the nail on the head. My wife and I are going through some things. I want so bad to get us loving each other again that I’m only seeing what I want. She says I hurt and disrespected her over the years and she’s right. It was never physical abuse just being dumb and taking her for granted. Please help me because I do love her so much and would die for her. She says let’s sell the house and move on. Only to see little things that she may to give us a chance. (I want to reconcile faster than her and I see my self blowing it) I need to be quiet and be still. Signed scared . She stays at her moms house every weekend now and I’m frustrated
You can’t go back and change the past though.
Thanks for your comment! If you’re willing to hear a challenging perspective to that idea, allow me to elaborate. I agree with you––in part. We cannot change the past EVENTS. However, everything else about the past doesn’t exist; our view of the past is a perspective––from the present––on the events that occurred. For example, I can’t change the events of my wedding day, my 12th birthday, my first day of being bullied, or any event in the past. However, I (and each of us) can constantly decide (and change) what those events mean to us.
We’re all meaning makers to the last one of us. We tend to get hung up on the events themselves as humans, as though the event contained the power to create meaning. I’d suggest they don’t but that each person creates (and thus chooses) that meaning and continues to do so anytime they reflect on those past events. That is always done from the here and now––the present. Most women bringing up the past in a relationships aren’t struggling with facts. They’re not seeking our support in events and facts but in their present experience remembering those events. When we work quickly to shut that down, because it makes us feel uneasy in the present, they feel invalidated, abandoned, and unsupported. Not supporting a person in their remembrance of the past is to not support them in the future. When men gain this skill (which happens easily as a man addresses his insecurities, fear, and misunderstanding), his partner moves through these moments with relative ease, knowing she is free and safe to do so.
This was unbelievably relatable. Thank you for the perspective.
Sven, This is an older post but in reality it is timeless. Thank you. 🙏
This article is spot on. I so want to change my wife’s view of me today. I’m fighting for it but my defensiveness and push to see today and where we’ve come just makes it worse.
I’m fragile and when she talks in the past and compares to today I get lost. Counter productive. Need to shut up and been present and just sit in it.
I’m scared. Want it all to be fixed.
Amazing article. It is like you have written down my history, my experiences, my behaviors…me, in essence. Uncanny and eery, Sven. In a good way, I hope. I am bookmarking your article and will revisit it as much as possible. Hopefully, some of your wisdom and experience in these matters will rub off on me. I am a pretty hopeless case!
This is some great stuff and fjes give me a lot to think about and consider. But my question is this: what if she comes at you about tothese rooms in an incredibly hurtful ane hostile manner? Same approach?
Thanks for your comment! I would make a distinction between incredibly hurtful and hostile. I encounter many men, many of whom are incredibly wounded, sensitive, and have a lot of unhealed places in their life. What they consider hurtful and what their partner expects will be hurtful are very different. I also hold the belief that while what my wife says and does is her responsibility, my responses to it, including any hurt, are mine. That doesn’t remove her responsibility to be a good human, yet I also can’t make my emotional well-being dependent on her being one.
Every man (and human) needs solid personal boundaries. Contrary to popular misunderstandings, those aren’t rules for how other people have to treat me, but my rules for how I must treat me. They’re guideposts that let me know when I’ve reached the limit of what is authentically me. Part of being a person who respects themselves is being a person who does not become party to degrading and dehumanizing myself. If someone is acting toward me in a way that, to continue participating with them requires me to degrade myself, then I’ve reached my boundary. I must take whatever actions necessary to maintain my state of well-being, and to be effective, those actions cannot demand or require ANYTHING from anyone else, or they become unenforceable/impotent boundaries.
When someone is being hostile toward us, we all have to make choices about what represents our “red line” – that place where we would erode our well-being to continue forward in a situation, relationship, or context. Whatever that is, when we reach that limit, it’s incumbent upon us to act, not the other person. I find it useful at times to let people know that we are approaching our limit and what we will do next. Yet, it’s imperative that this not be a threat or ultimatum. “Hey, I’m very willing to be with you in your pain, hear more, and offer you support, but I’m not willing to be derided, demeaned, or called names in the process. To continue, I need you to ____________.”
Now, if they continue, I must calmly and maturely take whatever actions make good on “I’m not willing,” which for me would be “Okay, I’m taking a break. I will be available again in [timeframe] if you’d like to try again.”
Note: Most people suck at living by solid boundaries because they try to create personal boundaries without knowing who they are and without being unshakable (emotionally mature, strong, resilient, and safe). Those are prerequisites to creating the kind of space for a partner I’ve written about in this article. If you don’t know how to do that, start there. Reach out if you need help.
Sven all I can say is holy crap. I’m in tears right now because I never ever imagined or looked at it like that in that severity. And looking back and seeing how I was not empathetic or thoughtful of my wife’s feelings it hurts my heart. From one man to another I thank you for that, that is exactly what I needed to read an start praying and practicing them exact steps.
It took me a really long time to start to understand the importance of self-reflection and how it plays a role in understanding the perspective of others.
I wrestle with my fear of losing my wife completely as a result of how long it took me to wake up and see who I was and how my actions were pushing against, rather than supporting, the present and future I wanted to create.
I failed to understand that it’s on me to change my behaviour and not on my wife to change her perspective.
She’s been seeing scary cliffs out the window and I can sure see that now.
I feel that there’s a sliver of hope that we can go back and do the cleaning. There are just so many rooms and she not interested in even trying anymore. I wear all of the past when she sees me now, the negative past.
I wish I’d done the learning and changed my approach years ago. She’s so worth it.
It just might be too late though.
The revisit to the old rooms go back 25 yrs and talking lasts for several hrs ( some time 4- 6 hrs)… going over one one day of month at time… of shaming , demeaning, mocking calling names, belittling, often doing this in front of children to make the kids watch how lousy the dad isas a human being. She cannot recall any pleasant thing in the marriage or every “nice thing” was not memorable or upto her mark. No amount of apology is considered sincere and I am told ” you are now under a constant watch and you cannot make even one mistake and see what will happen “
I would never advocate that a man become a party to his own degrading for the sake of this process or any other. To be blunt, you’re giving your power away. A man who abides shaming, demeaning, mocking, name calling, and belittling is a man with very poor personal boundaries and no power over himself. Poor personal boundaries invite even more of these behaviors, as women are pretty unhappy being with men who feel and live with powerlessness. Poor boundaries exist in us when we are ridden with shame, insecurity, dependency, fear, and anxiety. Most of us just wring our hands in desperation wishing it would stop, or, others might rage and threaten and make ultimatums hoping for the same end. Neither of those are effective for producing results. The solution isn’t for her to change, but for us, as men, to change first. We have to first stop being a man who abides such behaviors by becoming men who accept, love, appreciate, and respect themselves. We have to stop allowing anyone to own and control our sense of well-being. We have to take our power back first. That’s not because “she took it,” mind you, but because a man with internal disharmony gives his power away to others. Once we have these internal states restored, we can work on cultivating the skills of inviting our partner to a healthier and more mature way to engage, or invite ourselves out of a relationship that is toxic. Most men who do the inner work of restoring their insides never need to leave the relationship (well, 85% of the men I work with, at least).
I have put boundaries before but only aggression and these tactics are used by my wife to make me ” listen” otherwise narcissistics like me do not”. Been through counseling as couples but to no avail Infact therapy is often is used to justify her actions. It’s cold silent treatment followed by my apology (considered insincere) and any mistake is made the cycle replays with contempt. There are moments of joy filled with huge cold dark spaces. It is utilitatrarian bad at best.
I’m sorry that therapy and counseling hasn’t worked well for you. Regardless of your wife’s actions being unhealthy and immature, your insides are up to you! Aggression is not boundaries. Personal boundaries demand nothing from other people. Most men try to create rules for other other people. Big difference. If you erect a boundary only to remove it when your wife manipulates, you that’s not good boundaries, but a sheepish attempt.
I’d recommend you take this assessment to understand your behaviors a bit, more, especially of you’re being called a Narcissist by your wife: https://bit.ly/narcissist-or-not-test – It is ~$15 but will help you understand more about your tendencies and how they may be sabotaging your relationship.