I want to talk to you about something that hits home for a lot of men I work with: navigating a sexless marriage. It’s one of the most gut-wrenching, confusing, and lonely experiences a guy can go through. The pain goes way beyond the physical—there’s the emotional toll of feeling rejected, unseen, and disconnected from the person you thought would be your closest partner in life.
I recently had a long email exchange with a man we’ll call “Jon,” who’s in the thick of it. He’s a good man, deeply in love with his wife, Sarah, but he’s at his breaking point. He’s been reaching out to me for help because he feels like he’s losing himself. In these raw emails, Jon lays out his frustration, his hurt, and his fears, and I do my best to help him see the bigger picture. I wanted to share these emails with you because Jon’s story isn’t just his—it’s one I hear from a lot of men who feel trapped in the same painful cycle.
These emails aren’t some easy, feel-good fix. They’re about getting real, getting honest, and digging deep into the emotional gridlock that keeps so many men stuck. If you’ve ever felt like you’re waiting for your wife to change or like you’re living in an endless limbo, I think you’ll see yourself in Jon’s story.
So, let’s dive into the emails, and hopefully, by the end, you’ll have a better understanding of how to break free from this cycle and reclaim your emotional well-being.
Jon’s First Email to Me (About His Sexless Marriage)
Subject: i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this
Hey Sven,
I don’t even know where to start this time. You’re probably sick of hearing from me. Honestly. I feel like I’ve been saying the same thing to you over and over and… nothing’s changing. Sarah and I… we’re like roommates, man. Barely talk, barely connect. I can’t even remember the last time she touched me in any real way. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room. Yeah, that’s right… the guest room. It’s just easier that way. But I also feel like a fucking guest in my own goddamned house. I guess there’s an upside to the guest room… At least I don’t have to lie there next to her, feeling that rejection every night, pretending like it’s not killing me.
I don’t think she gets how much this is breaking me, Sven. And maybe it’s my fault? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just screwing this whole thing up. Like, maybe I’m doing everything wrong? Am I too needy? Am I asking for too much? I know I’ve got my flaws—believe me, I see them every damn day. I get that I can be needy sometimes, but what am I supposed to do when she makes me feel like I don’t even exist? Like I don’t matter to her anymore.
And the thing is… I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel warmth again. Not just from her… from any woman. I lie in that stupid guest room, and all I can think about is how cold everything’s gotten between us. And the worst part? I’ve started fantasizing about someone else. This woman at work… she’s flirty, she’s sweet, and she makes me feel… something. She even brings me bagels some mornings… just me, and seemingly for no reason at all. Like I’m not invisible, you know? And it’s eating me alive because I don’t want to cheat. I really don’t. But how do I stop thinking about her when I come home every day to this empty, cold house and a wife who doesn’t even look at me like she used to?
I hate myself for even thinking about it. But sometimes it feels like the only thing keeping me going is that someone out there still sees me. And then I feel like crap, because I love Sarah. God, I love her. But what am I supposed to do when the woman I love doesn’t seem to want me anymore? I’m scared, man… I’m scared that this is it. That nothing’s gonna change. I mean, I’m already at the point where I’m afraid to hope for anything better, because every time I do, I just get disappointed. I don’t even know if I have the energy to keep hoping for change anymore.
And here’s where it gets really bad… There are moments where I just wish I didn’t have to feel anything at all. Like, sometimes, I catch myself thinking that maybe it’d just be easier if I wasn’t here anymore. Not that I’d do anything, but the thought comes up, and it scares the hell out of me.
I don’t know what to do, man. I love her. I really, really love her, but I feel like I’m fading away here. I’m trying everything, but no matter what I do, it’s just more of the same. Same coldness, same distance, same emptiness.
Sorry, I know this is a mess, but I’m a mess right now. I just… I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.
Jon
My First Reply to Jon
Subject: re: i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this
Hey Jon,
First off, let me say this—you don’t have to worry about me getting sick of hearing from you. I’m not. You’re not a burden, Jon. I don’t care how many times you feel like you’ve said the same thing; the fact is, you’re here, you’re trying to figure this out, and that means something. So don’t think for a second that I’m checking out on you. I’m with you in this. I know it’s painful!
Now, I’m going to be straight with you, Jon, because you need someone to be. I’m reading your email, and it’s clear that you’re doing a lot of thinking, a lot of questioning, and a lot of suffering. And yeah, man, I hear the pain in your words. I know how much this is breaking you. But Jon—you’re still focusing on Sarah. You’re still stuck in this pattern of looking at what she’s doing or not doing, and it’s keeping you locked in this cycle of waiting for her to change.
And I’ve got to tell you something that might hit hard: this stuckness isn’t Sarah’s problem to fix. It’s yours, Jon. I say this with nothing but empathy, but as long as you’re hanging all your hope on her shifting, or her “waking up” and wanting you again, you’re going to keep feeling like you’re fading away. You’re giving her all the power over your emotional well-being. And that’s the problem.
You’ve got to understand that your fulfillment, your sense of being seen and valued, cannot come from Sarah. It can’t come from any woman. And believe me, I know that’s a tough pill to swallow. I get it. You love her. I hear that. But the more you look to her for validation, the more invisible you’ll feel when she doesn’t respond the way you need her to. It’s not about her rejecting you, Jon. It’s about you not knowing your own value outside of her response.
You mentioned the woman at work—this sweet, flirty colleague who notices you and makes you feel something again. I hear you, man. You’re not the first guy who’s been in that place, where someone else gives you the attention that feels like a lifeline. But here’s the thing—it’s not about her, either. What’s really happening is that your need to feel seen, valued, and wanted is being reflected back at you through her. She’s just holding up a mirror to that deep desire you have inside to be acknowledged. But Jon, chasing that kind of validation from her, or anyone else, is only going to lead you deeper into the emptiness you’re already feeling.
You’re looking in the wrong places, Jon. And I say this with all the compassion I’ve got in me: you need to stop focusing on what Sarah’s doing or what she’s not doing, or what this colleague is offering, and start focusing on you. You’re not broken, Jon. You don’t need to be fixed. But you do need to understand that your value doesn’t come from whether or not Sarah wants you or from how this other woman makes you feel. Your worth, your value, your significance—they come from you. And until you start doing the work to rebuild your relationship with yourself, you’re going to keep circling back to this same place.
The truth is, Sarah can’t fix this for you, even if she wanted to. And that’s why you’ve been feeling like you’re banging your head against the wall—it’s because the answer isn’t in her. It’s in you, Jon. And I know it’s hard. I know it feels unfair, but this is the reality of stepping into your own power and taking back control of your emotional well-being. It’s not Sarah’s job to make you feel whole—it’s yours.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: How the hell do I do that? It starts with letting go of waiting for her to change. It starts with stepping out of the cycle of focusing on what she’s not giving you and instead asking yourself, “What am I not giving myself?” You’ve been so focused on what you’re missing from Sarah that you haven’t stopped to look at the parts of yourself that you’ve been neglecting.
Jon, I’ve seen men in your exact spot, and the only way they’ve gotten out of it is by owning their own journey. You’ve got to start working on your relationship with yourself, and when you do that, everything else begins to shift. The dynamic between you and Sarah will change—not because she magically becomes what you need her to be, but because you become what you need to be.
Look, man, I know this feels like a lot. I know it’s a tough road. But you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you. Let me know if you want to take the next step.
Warmly,
Sven
Jon’s First Reply
Subject: re: re: i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this
Hey Sven,
Thanks for getting back to me, but I need some clarification on what you said in your last email. You mentioned that this stuckness is something I need to fix, and that it’s not Sarah’s problem. I hear what you’re saying about not relying on her to make me feel whole or seen, but honestly, I’m struggling to understand how that’s contributing to the problem. Isn’t this all because she stopped wanting to be intimate? How am I supposed to fix this if she’s the one who withdrew from me? It feels like she’s the one who holds the key to fixing things here, not me.
I feel like I’ve tried everything to connect with her again. I’ve asked her what’s wrong, I’ve backed off, I’ve even slept in the guest room to give her space. So how is this my issue? How does me focusing on myself help her want to connect with me again?
I’m trying to wrap my head around it, but I feel like I’m missing something. Could you explain this to me?Thanks,
Jon
My Second and Final Reply to Jon
Subject: re: re: re: i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this
Hey Jon,
I get where you’re coming from, and your confusion makes sense. I see this all the time. I know it feels like Sarah is holding all the cards right now, especially since she’s the one who withdrew from intimacy. But I want to dig a little deeper here and help you see the bigger picture.
Let me break this down for you.
The reason I say this stuckness is something for you to address, Jon, is because right now, whether you realize it or not, you’re giving Sarah all the control over your emotional well-being. You’re looking to her for validation—believing that once she reconnects with you physically, you’ll feel better, more secure, more loved. But here’s the thing: as long as your sense of being seen, valued, and desired is tied to her actions, you’ll always feel powerless. That’s the cycle that’s keeping you stuck, Jon.
I want to give you a deeper explanation. It’s going to be long, so bear with me. Before I do, I want to remind you that email is not the best medium for trying to resolve our most personal challenges in life. The best help I can offer you is by serving you in the company of other men figuring this out together and, if you’re feeling really bold, with one-on-one coaching. When my email replies contain: “re:re:re” it tells me I’m at my limit of digital dialog and that it’s time to invite you to take bold, courageous actions (something men in sexless marriages often struggle to do). This will be my last reply until you leave your comfort zone. That’s an essential step to resolving a sexless marriage. Okay…I’m all too familiar with feeling stuck in personal agony, and I don’t want you to continue to suffer, so let me give you as robust an understanding as I can in an email reply.
What is the Drama Triangle?
Before we go any further, let me explain something that’s central to understanding what’s happening between you and Sarah: the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle is a concept from psychology that describes the roles people often fall into during conflict—particularly in intimate relationships (google it). There are three roles: victim, persecutor, and rescuer.
- The victim feels helpless, powerless, and often blames others for their suffering.
- The persecutor is seen as the one causing the harm or withholding something, making the victim feel worse.
- The rescuer tries to fix things for the victim, often to relieve their own discomfort or avoid addressing deeper issues.
The Drama Triangle creates a toxic dynamic where everyone is stuck in these roles, often switching between them, but no one takes real ownership of their emotions or actions. The only way to break free is to step out of the triangle and empower yourself, taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being (I show men how to do this in my mentoring program).
The Drama Triangle in Your Marriage
When Sarah stopped being intimate, if you’re like most people in this spot, you probably felt like your emotional and physical needs were suddenly in her hands. You probably started seeing her as the one holding all the power over your happiness, which put you in the victim role of a drama triangle. When you’re in that role, it’s easy to feel helpless, like there’s nothing you can do but wait for her to change.
From your perspective, Sarah has likely become the persecutor—the one withholding what you want and need who is acting badly and causing your victimhood. Each time she pulls away from intimacy, it feels like she’s rejecting not just your advances, but your worth as a man, as her partner. And I get it—that hurts. It’s easy to start believing that if only she would just “want you again,” things would be fixed. That’s your wishing she’d be a rescuer in your drama triangle. This dynamic of judging someone as a persecutor and wishing they’d be a rescuer is common, and it’s also a dead-end street, brother.
I bet you’ve tried a lot of things to fix this—maybe you’ve had conversations with her, suggested or went to counseling, and being a person of faith, you might have even quoted bible verses to her (such as 1 Corinthians 7:5) or tried changing things about yourself, hoping it would spark something in her. But, Jon, all of those efforts are still rooted in victimhood. You’re still waiting for her to be the one to relieve your suffering. By the way, bible verses like that are an even worse aphrodisiac than neediness. I digress.
Here’s the tough part: while you’re waiting for her to come around, praying for her to change, getting people to agree with you that she’s out of sorts, you’re putting yourself in a kind of limbo, and you’re putting her even farther away from you. You’re holding out hope that Sarah will eventually “rescue” you from the emotional pain you’re feeling by deciding she wants to be intimate again. But the longer you wait, the more toxic your emotions become. Your hope starts to turn into judgment—“She’s never going to change.” And as that judgment grows, so does your frustration and resentment.
The Emotional Cost of Suppressing Your Desires
The longer you stay stuck in this limbo, Jon, the more you’re likely to suppress your own desires just to keep the peace. Maybe you’ve even started telling yourself that it’s not such a big deal, or that you can live without intimacy. But deep down, those desires are still there, gnawing at you. Suppressing them only makes things worse.
When you suppress your true desires, it leads to resentment, frustration, and sometimes even shame. I’ve seen men in your position turn to things like porn, fantasy, or affairs to cope. They know these behaviors go against their core values, but they don’t know how to handle the conflict within themselves. The more you suppress your real needs, the more disconnected you’ll feel—not just from Sarah, but from yourself. That’s the real cost of doing nothing, Jon.
Sidenote: If you keep doing this, she’s highly likely to begin believing you’re a narcissist (covert, vulnerable, sexual, etc) and calling you a narcissist, and perhaps even emotionally abusive. Why? Because these behaviors are aligned with narcissistic behaviors. All it takes is a conversation with a few girlfriends or stumbling upon a Dr. Ramani Durvasula video on YouTube, and that seed may get planted. You can avoid this very painful outcome by paying close attention to what I’m sharing with you. You can explore this further by checking out my upcoming course and book, “Narcissist! Or Not?”
Sarah’s Side of the Story
Let’s take a look at Sarah’s perspective for a moment. She’s likely feeling pressured by your need for intimacy. That pressure places her in her own victim role. Every time you ask for intimacy, she may feel like she’s being asked to give something she’s not able or willing to give right now. She may even give in from time to time, but if it’s out of obligation, it probably leaves her feeling used or objectified.
In her mind, Jon, you might start to look like the persecutor—the one who’s pushing her to meet a need she doesn’t feel capable of fulfilling. You become the “narcissistic, emotionally abusive, controlling asshole” who doesn’t honor what she’s feeling (lack of empathy) nor see her. You’re the bad guy, scary, emotionally safe, and the furthest thing from f*ckable in her view. If she’s like most women in that spot, feeling stuck, she might even be hoping for you to step into the rescuer role—wishing you’d stop wanting sex and just accept the relationship as it is. At this point, sex is the last thing on her mind, or that she can imagine ever wanting with you again because her experience of you is utterly horrible and invisible to you because of your focus (from her point of view) on when you can get her to touch your pecker again so that you can feel good about yourself.
Both of you are locked in this emotional gridlock, waiting for the other person to change. It’s a painful power struggle, and it’s one of the reasons sexless marriages often feel like an endless game of emotional tug-of-war.
Exiting the Drama Triangle: The Key to Breaking Free
Here’s the real kicker, Jon. The only way to break free from this gridlock is for one of you to step out of the Drama Triangle. From what I’ve seen, it’s most effective when the man takes that first step because if the woman exits first, she often exits the relationship entirely, and not as a happy woman, but quite angry that you couldn’t sort things out. But also, when the man goes first, he creates emotional safety in the relationship, creating a new foundation for intimacy, trust, attraction, and reconnection.
So how do you step out of it, Jon? It comes down to empowerment. Your empowerment. Right now, you’re waiting for Sarah to fix this, which keeps you stuck and powerless in the victim role. But when you shift from being a consumer—waiting for her to fulfill your needs—to being a creator of intimacy, you take back your power.
This is about ownership, Jon. You need to start owning your desires, your emotions, and your well-being. Stop waiting for Sarah to give you what you desire and start healing the parts of yourself that have been looking outside for validation. It’s not her job to make you feel whole—it’s yours.
Own Your Role, Heal Yourself, and Create Intimacy
Here’s the next part: to exit this Drama Triangle, you need to start healing your relationship with yourself. Look at where you’ve been relying on Sarah for validation—whether it’s your attractiveness, worth, or significance. As long as you tie those things to her response, you’ll always feel powerless. Nothing is likely to get better until then.
Jon, you also need to redefine your relationship with sex. Instead of seeing intimacy as something to “get” from Sarah, you need to become a creator of it. That means being emotionally present, leading with vulnerability, and fostering an environment where intimacy can naturally grow. When you stop waiting for Sarah to rescue you, the dynamic between you will shift. She’ll feel less pressure, and you’ll begin to feel empowered in your own life, regardless of her actions. I have lots of course work about this, as it’s too much to get into in email.
The Cost of Doing Nothing
And Jon, there’s one more thing I want to tell you, soberly: there’s a real cost to doing nothing. I know it feels daunting to take action, but staying stuck in this cycle will only lead to more distance, more resentment, and more frustration. The cost of doing nothing is far greater than the cost of taking action.
You deserve to live authentically, Jon. You deserve to feel connected—not just to Sarah, but to yourself. By taking this step forward, you create the possibility for healing—not just for yourself, but for your relationship as well.
Look, brother, I know this is a lot. But I’m here to help. If you’re ready to take bold and courageous next steps, My mentoring program (“The Masterful Journey”), is designed for men exactly like you. It’s a big time commitment (you should plan on about 9-12 months), but if you’re ready to reclaim your emotional well-being and change the dynamic in your marriage, it could be a game-changer. It is not inexpensive, but it’s considerably cheaper than blowing up your marriage and less than the first month’s rent and security deposit on a new place to live.
And if that feels like too much right now, so be it. A smaller step is to enroll my Sexless Marriage Survival Guide and the support group that comes with it. Either way, you don’t have to go through this alone, and the sooner you stop doing this alone, experience tells me you’ll begin experiencing relief.
Warmly,
Sven
Final Thoughts
If you’ve made it this far, I want to acknowledge you for sticking with this and letting these raw emails sink in. Jon’s struggle is real, and if you’re facing something similar, I know it can feel overwhelming. You might feel like you’re caught in a loop of waiting, frustration, and resentment—just like Jon. But here’s the truth: change won’t come from waiting for your partner to “wake up” and give you what you need.
What I hope you take away from Jon’s story is that your path to healing starts with you. It starts with taking ownership of your desires, your emotions, and your well-being. That’s the only way to break free from the cycle of feeling powerless and start creating the kind of intimacy and connection you crave. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
So, if you’re feeling stuck, like Jon, I want to invite you to take the next step. Whether it’s diving deeper into your own journey through The Masterful Journey program or taking a smaller, more focused step with my Sexless Marriage Survival Guide, you don’t have to go through this alone. You deserve more than waiting for things to change—you deserve to create the life and connection you want.
Let me know what resonated with you. I’m here to help.
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