For years, I believed the problems in my marriage and life were out there.
- If she’d just see what I’m doing for her…
- If she’d just be nicer to me…
- If she’d just want to be intimate…
- If my boss would just recognize my value…
- If I could just catch a break…
Sound familiar?
Here’s the hard truth I wish someone had told me decades earlier:
If other people or circumstances hold the keys to our happiness, they also hold our power.
And the more I focused on fixing my wife, my relationships, or my circumstances, the worse things got.
Especially in my marriage.
Looking back, I can see now how my neediness, external focus, and feelings of powerlessness were quietly sabotaging everything I cared about. My wife didn’t feel safe with me because I wasn’t grounded in myself. I was running on fumes, looking to her for the emotional fuel I didn’t know how to create on my own.
And it’s not just me—this is what we do as men when we’re stuck in this place. We feed a vicious cycle:
- We disconnect from ourselves, giving our power away.
- That disconnection makes us feel, behave, and appear weak and ungrounded.
- The people around us—especially our partners—pick up on that energy, and their admiration, respect, and attraction diminish.
It’s not a conscious thing, but let’s face it—neediness is a repellent.
For years, I was like an emotional vending machine that kept swallowing coins and spitting out “Out of Order” messages. I was trying to get validation and connection from everyone around me because I didn’t know how to find it within myself.
Not many years ago, buzzkill could’ve been my middle name. I had about as much power as an Amish electrician. I was disconnected from myself, and as a result, everything around me felt disconnected, too.
I thought I had a wife problem, a job problem, and a money problem.
But it turns out I had a me problem.
The Pattern That Changed Everything
A few years ago, I started piecing together the lessons I’d learned from my struggles and victories. I’ve always been someone who likes to know how things work, and this was no different. I wanted to understand why I had been stuck for so long and how I had finally started to break free.
That’s when I discovered a pattern—a framework that explained not only my experience but also the experiences of the men I’ve worked with.
I call it The Descent, The Choice, and The Ascent.
This isn’t just a theory—it’s a model that harmonizes ideas I’ve learned from my faith, mentors, and life experiences. It’s how I make sense of my struggles and how I now help other men do the same.
It’s not the only way, but it’s a damn good one.
The Descent: Why We Feel Stuck
The Descent doesn’t start with bad intentions. It begins innocently when we’re kids and follows us into adulthood.
It starts with judgment.
As kids, we start labeling things as “good” or “bad” based on our limited understanding. The first thing we classify is ourselves:
- “I’m not enough.”
- “I’m too much.”
- “If I was just smarter, taller, or funnier, I’d be okay.”
- “I’m missing something everyone else seems to have.”
These judgments seem harmless at first, but they grow. They lead us to disconnect from and disown ourselves—and that’s where the real trouble starts.
Here’s how The Descent unfolds:
- Judgment of Self: We criticize and reject ourselves based on those early stories.
- Judgment of Others: To make sense of our pain, we blame, criticize, or compare.
- Shame: Those judgments create shame—the belief that we’re fundamentally broken or unworthy.
- Disconnection: Shame pulls us inward, isolating us from ourselves, others, and even the Creator.
- Externalized Self-Worth: Disconnected, we start looking outside ourselves for validation.
- Dependency: We become dependent on others for our sense of worth and safety.
- Insecurity: This dependency breeds constant insecurity and fear of loss.
- Fear: At the bottom of The Descent is fear—a paralyzing uncertainty about who we are and where we belong.
This is where I meet most men. They’ve been hustling to fix their circumstances, thinking the answer lies “out there.” But in six years of walking this path with men, I’ve never seen external circumstances create lasting internal peace—not once.
If we want real change, it has to start inside.
The Choice: What I Wish I’d Known Sooner
For over 40 years, I thought I was stuck. I believed I needed my circumstances to change so I could feel better.
What I didn’t realize was that I had a choice all along.
The Descent convinces us that life is happening “to” us, but the truth is life is happening inside us.
When I stopped waiting for the external world to fix me and started taking ownership of my internal state, everything changed.
Here’s the catch, though:
We don’t wait for new feelings to make the choice.
It’s like being in a cold, dark room. You wouldn’t wait for it to get warm and bright before starting a fire. You take action in the dark and cold to create warmth and light.
And that’s exactly how this works.
The Ascent: How We Start Thriving
The Ascent isn’t magic—it’s a process. But it’s also the most reliable path I’ve seen for lasting transformation.
Here’s how it works:
- Replace judgment with unconditional high regard for yourself and others.
- Shame begins to dissolve as you embrace self-acceptance.
- Connection starts to bloom again—real connection, the kind that’s grounded in authenticity.
- You stop relying on others for validation and find internalized self-worth.
- You learn to meet your own needs through self-sourcing.
- Security replaces insecurity.
- And finally, you find calm confidence—the kind that’s rooted in truth and purpose.
Why This Matters
Ask yourself this:
Would overcoming your challenges—whether it’s marriage conflict, loneliness, or career struggles—be easier from a place of internal suffering and disconnection or internal thriving and connection?
The answer is obvious, but most of us stay stuck focusing on what’s happening “out there.”
And it doesn’t work.
Real change starts inside.
How I Can Help
If this resonates, I’d love to walk this path with you. Here are three ways I can help:
- The DIY Approach:
My book, What To Do When The Aliens Show Up (And Even If They Don’t), dives deep into this process.
👉 Ebook
👉 Paperback - The Deep Dive:
My Masterful Journey Mentoring Program offers group and one-on-one support for men ready to thrive.
👉 Learn More
👉 Request a Free Session
Final Thoughts
The Descent doesn’t have to define your life. You have a choice.
And when you make it, that choice will change everything.
Warmly,
Sven
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