Inspired by a Recent Thought-Provoking Discussion in Our Community
Most men start out thinking leadership starts with commanding others. It doesn’t. It starts with commanding yourself. The difference between men who remain stuck—repeating the same cycles of frustration in marriage, family, and life—and those who step into true personal sovereignty isn’t just external success.
It’s an internal awakening.
This is the shift every strong and courageous man I’ve encountered seems to have made. And until we do, we will never seem to fully command our marriages, our families, or our legacies.
Recently, one of our leaders, Jeff, posted some insights on freedom that sparked a discussion in our community. It pulled at the very fabric of what it means to be free.
Because here’s the truth:
Freedom Is One of the Most Sought-After Human Experiences—Yet One of the Least Understood.
We all want it. Many of us feel we don’t have it. Some of us dedicate our lives to chasing it—whether in relationships, careers, finances, or even politics. And yet, when we finally get what we thought freedom was, it often doesn’t satisfy us.
Why?
Because much of what we believe about freedom is a trap. A very convincing one, but a trap nonetheless.
Jeff’s post raised a question worth examining deeply:
Is Freedom Just Acceptance?
One idea that surfaced in the discussion was the notion that true freedom is radical acceptance—letting go of judgment and resistance, allowing things to be as they are.
That idea has a lot of merit. Resisting reality often creates suffering. Many men get stuck because they believe they must fight external circumstances to find peace.
But then, another perspective emerged:
What If Some Resistance is Necessary?
A community member, Steve, challenged this idea by pointing out a historical example:
“What if our Founding Fathers had determined to ‘not impose judgment on their reality, simply accept things as they are, and decide not to resist because everything is exactly as it should be’? Our country would not have been born.”
That’s an important insight.
If we take radical acceptance too far—to the point of conflating it with approval, resignation, and ignoring—we risk passivity. We allow external forces to shape our lives while we simply endure.
So where is the balance?
How do we distinguish between acceptance that liberates us and resistance that empowers us?
This is where we need to take a deeper look at what freedom actually is.
The American Revolution: Drama Triangle vs. Empowerment
Since Steve brought up our national history, I thought it would be a good place to examine these ideas more deeply.
When we think of freedom in America, we tend to think of 1776. The Revolution. The birth of a nation. A group of courageous men standing against tyranny, defying a king, and declaring sovereignty over their own land.
But something deeper was also happening.
The Drama Triangle in the American Revolution
The Drama Triangle, developed by psychologist Stephen Karpman, describes how people (or entire societies) get caught in a cycle of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer roles. It’s a way we can begin thinking about our life and circumstances.
Victim – “We are oppressed by the British! We are powerless under their rule.”
Persecutor – “The British government and King George are to blame for our suffering.”
Rescuer – “If we can just win this war, we’ll finally be free!”
This is where many revolutions start—from a place of victimhood.
The colonies saw themselves as powerless under tyranny, needing to overthrow the persecutor (Britain) to achieve freedom.
And they weren’t “wrong,” The British were external oppressors. The revolution was a necessary act of courage.
But here’s where it gets nuanced:
How the Drama Triangle Recreated Itself
Even after winning their freedom, many of these same revolutionaries imposed new forms of oppression–ones we’re often not willing to acknowledge and discuss because they are uncomfortable truths:
- Indigenous peoples became victims of land seizures and, in some cases, genocide.
- African slaves remained in bondage under a “free” country.
- Women and non-landowners had no voice in governance.
In other words, many of our forefathers broke free from one system of oppression, only to begin constructing another. This isn’t because some people are oppressors and others are victims but because every human navigates life alternating between two paths—the disempowered victim and the empowered creator. Life itself is a process of maturing, learning to choose one path less and the other more.
The Empowerment Dynamic: The Alternative Path
The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), developed by David Emerald, flips the Drama Triangle roles:
Victim → Creator – “We don’t need to wait for Britain to change. We can build something new.”
Persecutor → Challenger – “We will fight not from hate, but from a vision of what can be.”
Rescuer → Coach – “We will educate and empower our people to govern themselves.”
Some of our founding fathers operated from this mindset.
They created a nation rather than just reacting to their oppression.
But because many others remained in the Drama Triangle, the cycle repeated—oppression simply took on new forms.
And here we are, 250 years later, trapped in the same patterns.
The Tytler Cycle: Why We’re Headed Back Into Bondage
Alexander Tytler, an 18th-century historian, outlined an eight-stage cycle that every free society eventually goes through:
1️⃣ Bondage → Spiritual Awakening (Oppression leads to seeking meaning.)
2️⃣ Spiritual Awakening → Courage (Faith fuels resilience and action.)
3️⃣ Courage → Liberty (Through struggle, freedom is won.)
4️⃣ Liberty → Abundance (Freedom leads to prosperity.)
5️⃣ Abundance → Complacency (Comfort leads to stagnation.)
6️⃣ Complacency → Apathy (People stop caring about what built their freedom.)
7️⃣ Apathy → Dependence (Dependency grows as people avoid responsibility.)
8️⃣ Dependence → Bondage (A dependent society eventually loses its freedom.)
We Are Repeating This Cycle—Right Now.
Look around. Where do you think we are now?
“Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times.”
– G. Michael Hopf
We are a culture addicted to comfort.
Most people appear to fear discomfort more than they desire freedom.
And what happens when a society becomes dependent?
It chooses bondage.
Be-Do-Have: A Way to Reverse the Cycle?
Most men I meet initially think freedom works like this:
- Do something (win a war, make more money, fix my marriage).
- Have something (liberty, security, validation).
- Be free, happy, or whole.
I started out this way, too. This is the outside-in illusion. It’s the way we interact with our circumstances and environment that leads us to feelings of disempowerment, victimhood, and suffering. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t produce abiding freedom.
Real freedom flips this to Be-Do-Have:
- Be free first. Rule your own mind, your emotions, your internal world. Choose your internal state.
- Do what a free man does—lead, create, build, influence.
- Have the fruits of true freedom—relationships, stability, legacy.
This is the inside-out basis of reality. It’s the way we interact with our circumstances and environment that leads us to feelings of empowerment, creativity, agency, and thriving.
The Illusion of Disempowerment: Why Most Men Think They “Have To” Stay in the Drama Triangle
Most people—especially those who feel stuck in relationship struggles, navigating a breakup, dealing with a high-conflict divorce, or battling ongoing marriage conflicts—believe they “have to” operate within the Drama Triangle in order to survive, get what they want, or protect themselves from harm.
They believe:
🔹 Playing the Victim keeps them safe from failure, rejection, or deeper pain.
🔹 Becoming the Persecutor (through anger, control, or blame) is the only way to make their partner, ex, or world change.
🔹 Looking for a Rescuer (whether a lawyer, therapist, new relationship, or social validation) is the only way to heal, feel valued, or regain stability.
This is a feeble, disempowering belief. Why? because it gives up our power to make choices. It surrenders that to others. Sometimes, as with our ancestors, it is Governments and Kings (such as King George III).
The Drama Triangle creates more of the pain it promises to solve, because it erodes self as a means of trying to find it. I’ve watched a lot of men repair their relationships and reconnect, and I can’t think of a single one who did so from a Drama Triangle orientation.
A man who believes he must control others to avoid being hurt will eventually find himself feeling powerless when he can’t control them.
A man who believes he must play the victim to get help will eventually attract situations where he remains helpless.
A man who believes he must attack, blame, or dominate to be respected will eventually feel insecure in his leadership.
And yet, many men cling to these roles because they believe there is no other way.
They tell themselves:
👉 “If I don’t play the game, I’ll get walked all over.”
👉 “If I don’t fight back, I’ll never get what I want.”
👉 “If I don’t show her how much she hurt me, she’ll never learn.”
👉 “If I don’t prove myself, I’ll never be valued.”
These thoughts keep men trapped.
Because here’s a reliable truth:
🚨 You do not have to operate within the Drama Triangle to win.
🚨 You do not need to stay stuck in disempowerment to get what you want.
🚨 You do not need to fight, control, or manipulate to overcome hardship.
What if this is Drama Triangle stuff is an illusion? What if, in reality, you have another option?
The Awakening Every Strong Man Needs: Choosing the Path of the Empowered Creator First
Whether it’s marriage, family, or even entire nations, the awakening every strong man needs to experience is this:
We have both of these paths—the disempowered victim and the empowered creator—always at our disposal.
The question is: which will we choose first?
Most men default to the victim path without realizing it. It’s the reactive way of living—waiting for circumstances to change before stepping into power.
🔹 “If my wife would just respect me, I could lead.”
🔹 “If my kids would just listen, I’d be a better father.”
🔹 “If society wasn’t falling apart, I’d have more purpose.”
This is the outside-in trap—believing that if we can fix our relationships, our culture, or our world first, then we will feel strong, confident, and free.
But the men who shape history—and the men who shape thriving marriages and families—do the opposite.
Commanding Your Life Starts From the Inside Out
A man who leads his marriage, his family, and his legacy does not wait for external permission.
He does not negotiate his strength. He does not wait for the world to make it easier for him to be the man he is meant to be.
He creates freedom within himself first.
That is the shift, and when you start making it, it will radically transform your life.
The awakening every strong man needs is this:
👉 You do not need permission to become the empowered creator.
👉 You do not need circumstances to change before you lead.
👉 You do not need culture, politics, or society to get better before you become unshakable.
Every great transformation in history—whether in a marriage, a family, or an entire civilization—began when one person took responsibility for their own freedom first.
When you stop trying to change the world from the outside in and instead focus on becoming the kind of man who shapes his world from the inside out, everything shifts.
A man who commands himself first creates the marriage he desires—because his leadership radiates stability, trust, and strength.
A man who leads himself first creates a thriving family—because his children model the sovereignty he embodies.
A man who governs himself first becomes the kind of leader nations need—because history is shaped by men who rule themselves before they rule anything else.
So the question isn’t whether you can command your marriage, your family, or your legacy.
The question is: Are you willing to command yourself first?
That is the only way. That is the path of the empowered creator.
How Internal Freedom Multiplies Outward
- A man who rules himself no longer needs to control others.
- A husband who leads himself creates security in his marriage.
- A father who owns his presence teaches his children sovereignty.
- A community of men who embody freedom transform a nation.
This is how real revolutions happen—not by force, but by multiplying internal sovereignty outward.
“Yeah, But…” – Answering Your Objections
At this point, you might be feeling challenged. Maybe even resisting some of this. That’s normal. When a new perspective threatens what we’ve long assumed to be true, our instinct is to push back, poke holes, or find reasons why it doesn’t apply to us.
So, let’s address the most common objections that might be creeping into your mind right now.
Not because I need to “win” an argument (since this is only a perspective) but because I want you to see what’s really going on underneath these objections.
1. “Yeah, but… isn’t this just passive acceptance? Shouldn’t I fight back?”
Core Assumption: You think that internal freedom means just “accepting” bad circumstances instead of resisting them.
Response:
No, this isn’t about rolling over. It’s about choosing how you fight, and winning the battle within before you try taking the battle outside.
- If you fight from a place of victimhood, you stay in the Drama Triangle.
- If you fight from empowerment, you focus on creating something better rather than just destroying what you hate.
Ask yourself: Am I actually fighting for something, or just reacting against something? One leads to power. The other keeps you stuck.
2. “Yeah, but… some things really ARE unjust. Are you saying I should just accept oppression?”
Core Assumption: You think I’m saying injustice doesn’t exist or that you should tolerate it.
Response:
No. But I’m saying that if you stay emotionally enslaved to injustice, you lose the ability to be effective.
History’s greatest change-makers—Jesus, Confucius, Marcus Aurelius, Gandhi, Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, Joan of Arc, Sojourner Truth, William Wilberforce, Nelson Mandela, MLK—didn’t let resentment, anger, or victimhood define them.
They didn’t just resist—they led.
They didn’t just react against oppression—they responded by leading movements that shifted culture and built something greater than themselves.
Are you trying to tear something down, or are you building something better? The latter creates real change. The former just feeds more cycles of destruction.
3. “Yeah, but… what about things I literally have no control over?”
Core Assumption: You think freedom is about controlling everything.
Response:
You don’t control what happens—but you do control how you respond. And that difference? That’s everything.
The powerless man says: “I can’t be happy until my boss, my wife, or the government changes.”
The powerful man says: “How do I thrive regardless of what happens?”
Ask yourself: Do I want to stay stuck waiting, or do I want to take control of what’s mine?
4. “Yeah, but… some men have it way easier. What if I just got dealt a bad hand?”
Core Assumption: You think that some people are just lucky, and you’re not one of them.
Response:
Look, life isn’t fair. Some men start ahead. Some start with every disadvantage possible.
But let’s be honest—has believing you got a raw deal ever helped you?
- If you believe you’re a victim of your circumstances, you stay stuck.
- If you believe you have agency, you start seeing opportunities that others miss.
Two men grow up in the same bad neighborhood. One says, “I’ll always be poor, life is unfair.” The other says, “I’ll find a way.” Who wins?
5. “Yeah, but… my wife/family/job won’t change just because I do.”
Core Assumption: You think your environment determines who you are.
Response:
No, but you will change, and they will respond to it.
A man who radically owns his internal freedom forces a reaction in those around him.
- A needy man chases his wife’s validation—and she pulls away.
- A self-led man embodies confidence—and she notices.
Your external world reflects your internal world over time. Are you leading yourself first or waiting for others to change?
6. “Yeah, but… I’ve tried this before. Nothing changed.”
Core Assumption: You think change should be instant, or that it doesn’t work.
Response:
Results come after identity shifts. You don’t see the fruit immediately—but if you keep watering the tree, the harvest is inevitable.
Most men say they’ve “tried” this, but they were actually just waiting for others to respond. Did you truly change, or were you just hoping others would notice and validate it?
7. “Yeah, but… if I don’t resist, won’t I lose my edge?”
Core Assumption: You think internal freedom makes you weak.
Response:
No, fear-based men burn out. Emotionally stable men endure.
A man who can’t control his reactions is easy to manipulate. A man who is calm, clear, and relentless? That’s dangerous.
Ask yourself: Am I truly powerful or just easily triggered?
8. “Yeah, but… what if my wife/partner/family never respects me again?”
Core Assumption: You think other people’s reactions define your success.
Response:
If you base your confidence on how others respond, you’re still operating from external validation.
Respect is earned when you stop needing it. Lead yourself, and others will either follow—or reveal they were never capable of respect in the first place.
9. “Yeah, but… I don’t even know where to start.”
Core Assumption: You think this requires some massive transformation.
Response:
You start exactly where you are. Freedom is not a finish line—it’s a daily practice.
Pick one area of life—your mindset, emotions, relationships—and start leading yourself in that space.
10. “Yeah, but… this sounds weak. What about standing up and fighting for what’s right?”
Core Assumption: You think I’m saying there’s never a time to fight.
Response:
No. But reactive men lose fights before they start.
Do I believe in fighting for what matters? Absolutely. But weak men lash out emotionally—strong men stand unshakable before they ever throw a punch.
Are you prepared to fight, or just itching for one?
Want to Engage with Men Who Have Conversations Like This?
If this conversation has challenged you, that’s a good thing. It means you’re thinking.
But these ideas are best explored in a community of men who are willing to go deep without judgment, without dogma, and without needing to “win” a debate.
If you want to engage with us, consider joining our 30-day Awakened Purposeful Man challenge ($50).
- It will awaken the confident leader within you.
- You’ll get to know us and how we relate to one another.
- You’ll be challenged, and you’ll challenge us in return.
- And if it’s a good fit for everyone, you’ll have the opportunity to continue with us.
- We don’t filter based on agreement with us—we filter based on your commitment to yourself.
Are you willing to step up as a courageous, empowered man who takes full ownership of his life?
If so, we’d love to have you.
If you prefer to explore these ideas solo, I go deep into The Drama Triangle and The Empowerment Dynamic in my book:
📖 alienarrivalbook.com
Either way, keep leading yourself. That’s how the world changes.
Conclusion: Freedom Must Be Created, Not Demanded
Freedom isn’t something you win.
It’s not something someone gives you.
And it sure as hell isn’t something you wait for.
Freedom is created—inside first, then outside.
The question isn’t how do I get free?
It’s how do I create freedom, right here, right now?
Because if we don’t?
We’re already headed back to the very thing we once escaped.
And this time, we might not get another revolution.
Recent Comments