One of the natural side effects of what I do—coaching men and writing about relationships—is that some of the men who reach out to me are in extremely toxic and truly abusive relationships.
This is inevitable. Anytime you focus on helping men develop emotional strength, personal agency, and leadership in their own lives, some percentage of those men will be experiencing real abuse.
But here’s where things get tricky.
The vast majority of emotionally immature men think they are in abusive relationships—when in reality, they are simply in relationships where they are misused, unappreciated, or frustrated. They feel powerless, but they aren’t actually trapped. They’re just stuck in a cycle of resentment, waiting for their partner to change.
And when men in truly abusive relationships read my work, they misinterpret it.
They see my focus on personal agency, power, ownership, and unconditional high regard and conclude that because I’m not lambasting their partner, I must be condoning their partner’s behavior. They expect to hear, “Yes, she’s horrible. Yes, she’s to blame. Yes, you are completely justified in how you feel.”
But that’s not my role.
I am a men’s coach—not a “how to be a better wife” coach.
I don’t write about how women should improve, just like I don’t write about how to be a better basketball player, poker player, or carpenter—because that’s not my focus.
More importantly, I don’t engage in or support any human—man or woman—in disempowering stories of victimhood.
Why?
Because victimhood breeds hopelessness and despair—not growth and change.
If my work challenges you, frustrates you, or makes you uncomfortable, it’s because I refuse to feed the illusion that you are powerless. You are not. And until you embrace that, nothing will change.
So let’s start with a common response to my work.
“Are You Saying I Should Tolerate Abuse?”
I hear this objection a lot. A man finds my work, sees something that challenges his perspective, and immediately assumes I’m telling him to just put up with the mistreatment he’s experiencing.
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
In fact, if you’ve ever read my work carefully, you’d know I say the exact opposite. I firmly believe no man or woman should ever tolerate abuse—not for a second. Remember, my entire work is centered on cultivating unshakable self-worth and radical self-acceptance.
Tolerating anything that degrades self is a non-starter for me, and I say the exact same thing to every client.
I believe a man should have such solid boundaries that the moment he recognizes abuse, he disengages, removes himself, and refuses to offer the benefits of partnership to someone who behaves that way.
But here’s where things get tricky.
A lot of men who push back against my work aren’t actually responding to what I’ve said. They’re projecting their own situation into it. They’re assuming I’m talking about them when, in reality, most of the men I write for are not in relationships with abusive women. They’re in relationships with women who may be misunderstanding and misusing them. And that’s a critical difference.
Misuse vs. Abuse: The Difference Matters
When I say many men are in relationships where they are “misused,” I mean something very specific.
A woman misuses a man when she:
- Doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate his efforts or why he does something, and assumes or judges him for things he may be doing for good reason.
- Takes his presence, provision, or kindness for granted.
- Expects more than she’s willing to contribute.
- Uses guilt, subtle shaming, or emotional withdrawal to get her way.
This is frustrating, dysfunctional, and ultimately unsustainable. But it’s not the same as abuse.
A woman is abusive when she:
- Uses threats, intimidation, or manipulation to control him.
- Regularly shames, belittles, or dehumanizes him.
- Acts with cruelty or malicious intent.
- Physically harms or destroys his property.
- Systematically isolates or sabotages his well-being.
This is a distinction many men fail to make.
And that failure leads to a dangerous conclusion: men who are being misused assume they are being abused, while men who are actually being abused struggle to recognize it and take decisive action.
The Bigger Problem: Common Characteristics of Men Who Stay in Abusive Situations
The men who get the most upset with my work tend to be those in truly abusive relationships. But not because I’m telling them to tolerate it. No, they get upset because I challenge them to stop tolerating it.
See, the vast majority of the men I encounter who remain in an abusive situation are making a choice to do so–and they hate hearing that.
That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth.
Yes, the woman must grow. But the man must go first. He must break free from making his well-being conditional upon her behaviors, moods, actions, and choices.
Going first doesn’t mean fixing her. It doesn’t mean convincing her to change. It means taking action on your own behalf—setting boundaries, refusing to participate in the abuse, and proving to yourself that you won’t tolerate mistreatment any longer.
He must be willing to say, “No. I will not remain in this. I will not participate in this dynamic. I will not be treated this way.”
And most of the men who complain about my work? They won’t do that. They’re waiting for her to change first. They’re hoping she’ll realize how unfair she’s been, how much she’s hurt them, and how desperately she needs to adjust her behavior.
They want her to wake up one day and say, “Wow, I’ve been awful to you. I’m so sorry. I’ll stop now.”
But she won’t.
Not because she can’t. Not because she’s incapable of change. But because he hasn’t demonstrated that he will no longer participate in the dynamic.
Because he’s tolerating it.
Because he’s afraid to be alone.
Because the cost of leaving feels too high.
The Excuses Men Use to Stay Stuck
A lot of men don’t want to stay, but they convince themselves that they have to.
They tell themselves they have no choice because of:
- The kids – “I can’t leave. What will happen to them?”
- Religious beliefs about marriage – “God hates divorce, doesn’t He?”
- Their vows – “I promised ‘til death do us part.’ I have to honor that.”
These are common, deeply ingrained beliefs. And I get it. These things matter. But let’s take a hard look at them.
“I Can’t Leave Because of the Kids”
What kind of father do you think you’re being by staying in a toxic, abusive situation?
Children do not learn from what you say. They learn from what you demonstrate.
If you stay in an abusive dynamic, you are teaching them:
- That relationships work like this.
- That mistreatment is normal.
- That men should endure abuse instead of standing up for themselves.
Your children need a father who is strong, self-respecting, and healthy. Not a father who sacrifices himself to maintain a broken, dysfunctional home.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your kids is leave and show them what it looks like to have self-respect.
“God Hates Divorce”
Marriage is a covenant—an agreement with conditions. Many Christians conflate unconditional love with unconditional relationship. The latter is an oxymoron. All relationships, by their definition, are conditional, and end when those conditions are no longer sustainable.
Nowhere in scripture does it say that a man (or woman) must tolerate abuse to “honor their vows.”
And let’s be clear—a person who abuses their partner is already breaking the marriage covenant.
If they are cruel, manipulative, or abusive, they have already violated the terms of the marriage. You are not the one destroying it. They are.
Marriage is not a prison. The Creator does not demand that you endure abuse in His name.
“I Have to Honor My Vows”
“Til death do us part” is not a condition of marriage. It is simply a statement about the intended length of the covenant—as long as it remains intact.
The actual conditions of marriage—the real vows—are things like:
- Love
- Honor
- Respect
- Faithfulness
- Mutual support
If these things are violated, then the covenant is already broken.
Staying in an abusive relationship in the name of “honoring vows” is not noble. It’s an act of fear, and sometimes–cowardice.
And behind all these excuses is one core truth:
You’re afraid of the unknown.
And that fear? That’s something every man (and woman) must face.
Yes, leaving feels uncertain. Yes, you don’t know exactly what life will look like afterward. But if you stay, you do know exactly what life will look like: more of this. And you already know you don’t want that. So if one path is unknown and the other is guaranteed misery… why choose misery?
The Power of Boundaries: Why Men With Self-Respect Don’t Stay in Abusive Relationships
But here’s something interesting I’ve observed.
When men who are in relationships with abusive partners finally decide to stop tolerating it, it’s not like they immediately file for divorce that day.
What happens instead?
They start with boundaries. Real ones. And they stop participating in any dynamic where abuse occurs.
And many—not all, but many—of these men witness something remarkable.
Lo and behold, her behaviors change.
Why?
Because boundaries work the way levees work against floodwaters.
- They contain and channel energy.
- They create structure where chaos existed.
- They redirect what was once out of control and destructive.
Take, for example, the man who used to argue, explain, and defend himself every time his wife lashed out. One day, instead of engaging, he calmly says:
“Nope. I don’t do conversations like this anymore.”
Then he leaves the room. No raised voice, no pleading, no negotiating. He simply removes himself from the dynamic.
Or the man who used to tolerate name-calling, insults, and belittling because he didn’t want to “overreact.” One day, he finally looks her in the eye and says:
“I’m unwilling to be spoken to like this. You can do better! Choose something different and healthier, or I will leave this conversation.” and if it persists… “If you choose to continue doing things this way, I will leave this relationship.”
And then? He actually follows through. No empty threats. No dramatic ultimatums. Just a man enforcing his own standards for himself. Boundaries dictate actions for ourselves, not for others. Anything else is an attempt to make rules for others. Good luck with that.
And something fascinating happens.
Many women suddenly face a truth they’ve avoided their entire lives:
They have no idea how to function without control, manipulation, or emotional dumping.
That’s a hard reality for a person to face. And some won’t.
But others? They finally wake up—not because they were nagged into it, not because a man “loved them harder,” but because they finally hit a wall of self-respect they can’t push through.
And for the first time, they see themselves clearly.
Why Men With Boundaries Don’t Get Stuck
Men with real, solid boundaries never stay stuck in abusive relationships—because they don’t tolerate abuse.
- If his partner refuses to respect his boundaries, he leaves.
- If she tests them, he reinforces them.
- If she changes, it’s not because he forced her—it’s because she finally had to face the cost of her own behavior.
And if she doesn’t change?
That’s her choice.
However, a man who respects himself will never stay in a relationship where he is disrespected.
This is why men must go first.
Because until a man draws a firm boundary and enforces it, he’ll never know if she’s actually willing to change—or if she was only ever willing to keep him in the cycle of abuse.
How Can a Man Be Confident This Won’t Happen Again?
A man who builds himself into someone devoted to his own self-respect, emotional clarity, and rock-solid standards will never need to worry about “being abused again.”
Because he will never allow it.
Real confidence comes from a man knowing, I respect myself so much that I will never again remain in a situation where I am not respected.
And that’s why men must go first.
Because the path to a better relationship—or, if necessary, a better life without that relationship—always begins with a man refusing to continue betraying himself.
The Hard Truth: What Every Man Stuck in This Situation Needs to Hear
If you’re reading this and you’re in a relationship where you’re being abused—emotionally, psychologically, or physically—then here’s the truth, straight and simple:
You are not powerless.
You are not a prisoner.
You are not stuck.
You are not obligated to stay and suffer.
And if you’re staying, it’s because you’re choosing to.
Maybe you don’t like that. Maybe you want to argue that it’s not a choice, that it’s more complicated than that. But here’s the thing—it isn’t.
You don’t have to wait for her to change. You don’t have to keep believing the lie that your suffering is necessary, inevitable, or beyond your control.
You can take action. Right now.
That action might look like:
- Stopping all participation in arguments, manipulation, or cruelty.
- Moving out of the bedroom—or the house.
- Drawing a firm line in the sand: If this happens again, I leave.
- Actually following through on leaving.
- Getting legal advice.
- Rebuilding your life on your terms, with or without her.
But you have to stop waiting for something outside of you to change. You have to make the call.
And if you don’t?
Then let’s be honest—you’re choosing to stay. And that choice comes with consequences.
If you continue participating in an abusive dynamic, the damage to your self-worth, confidence, and mental well-being will deepen. You will become more of a shell of yourself. You will continue to feel powerless.
But here’s the good news: the moment you start honoring yourself, the cycle ends.
Not because she changes. Not because she finally “gets it.” But because you changed and you finally “get it” by deciding to be the kind of man who will never tolerate abusive treatment again.
And once you become that man? You’ll never be in this situation again—because you’ll have outgrown it.
“Yeah, But… Isn’t This Victim Shaming?”
Some men hear this and push back with, “But isn’t this just victim shaming? Isn’t this blaming me for her abuse?”
No.
Victim shaming would be telling you that your abuse is your fault.
It’s not your fault that she is abusive. Her behavior is her responsibility.
But your responsibility is whether or not you continue to subject yourself to it.
This is the key difference between fault and responsibility.
- Fault is about who caused the harm. That’s on her.
- Responsibility is about what you do next. That’s on you.
See, a victim is someone who another person harms. That’s real. That happens. And if you are in an abusive situation, you have been victimized.
But victimhood is an internal state of chosen helplessness and powerlessness, not a life sentence.
Being a victim once does not mean you must live in victimhood forever.
You have a choice. You can decide, “This is where it ends. I will not be a victim anymore. I will take action, set boundaries, and reclaim my power.“
Or you can choose to remain.
But if you choose to remain, then you are choosing to accept the conditions you are in.
That’s not victim-shaming. That’s the truth.
And if that truth stings, it’s only because there’s something in it you know you need to face.
So, the real question isn’t whether this is victim-shaming.
The real question is: What are you going to do about it?
Are you going to keep waiting, hoping, and suffering?
Or are you going to make the choice—right now—to become the man who will never again allow himself to be in this position?
Because that choice is yours.
And no one else can or will make it for you.
This Advice Applies to Women, Too
I want to make something very clear: this is precisely what I would tell any woman in an abusive relationship.
A woman who is being mistreated—whether emotionally, verbally, or physically—should not tolerate it either. She, too, must reclaim her agency, set boundaries, and refuse to participate in an abusive dynamic.
The difference is that I recognize the additional complications a woman may face—particularly if she may have become financially dependent on her partner in exchange for taking care of children, or lacks external support systems.
It’s undeniable that many women in abusive relationships feel more trapped than men because of real material dependence, and yes, I know that this is sometimes reversed. Many men still have the freedom to walk away more easily, while women who lack financial independence may fear homelessness, poverty, or losing their children.
But even with these added challenges, the principle remains the same:
- She must go first.
- She must set boundaries.
- She must refuse to participate in the abuse.
- She must reclaim her power and self-respect.
If anything, the fact that women often face these extra barriers should make men even more unwilling to tolerate what they are fully capable of walking away from.
If a woman with no financial independence can take steps to reclaim her life, why do most men make excuses?
The answer is the same: fear.
And just like with men, that fear must be faced head-on.
What I Teach vs. What I Don’t
Let’s make this perfectly clear. Here’s what I believe and teach:
✅ No human should ever tolerate abuse.
✅ Abuse is never justified. If your partner is abusive, it is your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation and stop participating.
✅ All capable adults must take responsibility for their own well-being and stop waiting for their partner to change.
✅ Strong boundaries rooted in self-worth are the key to reclaiming self-respect and breaking the cycle of abuse.
✅ The only way to have real confidence that this won’t happen again is to trust yourself—not your partner’s behavior.
And here’s what I do not teach:
❌ That anyone should tolerate mistreatment or just “endure” a bad relationship.
❌ That abuse is their fault. A person is not to blame for how a partner treats them—but they are responsible for how they respond and whether or not they remain in the relationship.
❌ That the only solution is to leave. Many relationships can change—but only when the abused partner sets unwavering boundaries and stops participating in dysfunction.
❌ That setting boundaries means issuing ultimatums and demanding respect. Respect is not demanded, and it is not requested—it is demonstrated. A person with self-respect naturally attracts relationships that honor them at the same level they treat themselves.
The Big Act of Self-Violation: The Resentful, Justified Waiting Game
If there’s one pattern I see over and over, it’s this: men who try to convince themselves (and me) that they are justified in their deeply resentful, passive, waiting, and emotional victimhood.
They tell themselves:
- “She’s so toxic!”
- “She needs to change first.”
- “I’m doing my part—why won’t she do hers?”
- “She doesn’t respect me, but I can’t leave.”
This is self-betrayal in its purest form.
It’s a man knowing he needs to take action but refusing to do it.
It’s a man knowing he’s compromising his self-respect but staying anyway.
It’s a man knowing the relationship isn’t going to change, but hoping that if he waits long enough, maybe she’ll wake up and fix it for him.
She won’t.
Not because she’s incapable. Not because she’s irredeemable. But because you haven’t proven that you respect yourself enough to remove yourself from disrespect.
And until you do, you are just playing the resentful waiting game—a game where you trade your own self-worth for the illusion of security, certainty, and “the devil you know.”
If you don’t take action now, when will you?
Because let me tell you—the day you finally move, you’ll wish you had done it sooner.
So the only real question left is:
How much longer are you willing to betray yourself?
The Challenge of Writing About These Topics
Writing about abuse, boundaries, and relationships is one of the surest ways to get accused of being callous, ignorant, or malicious—no matter how carefully I try to communicate the truth.
There will always be someone who claims:
- “You don’t understand what it’s really like.”
- “You’re victim-blaming.”
- “You’re oversimplifying a complex issue.”
- “You’re ignoring the challenges of people who don’t have the ability to leave.”
If that’s what you’re looking for, I’ll make it easy for you—I absolutely see that leaving an abusive relationship is complex. I absolutely acknowledge that not every person has the same level of freedom to act. And I absolutely reject the idea that someone is to blame for the way another person mistreats them.
But here’s what I will not do:
I will not pretend that waiting around for an abuser to change is an effective strategy–it’s not.
I will not enable a man’s self-deception by validating his passive suffering.
I will not apologize for challenging men to take action on their own behalf.
The reality is this: Whenever you tell people they have agency, someone will accuse you of blaming them for their suffering. But if you’ve read this far, you already know—that’s not what I’m doing.
What I’m saying is:
- You are not powerless.
- You do have a choice.
- And if you’re staying, you need to be honest about why.
It’s not easy. It’s not simple. And yes, for some people, it is much harder than for others. But hard is not the same as impossible.
For Those Facing Significant Barriers
I don’t assert that all situations are the same, nor do I believe one article can cover all scenarios. I am addressing a common scenario I encounter in my experience of men.
I want to acknowledge something that some men might be facing:
- Men with unique challenges and disabilities who are financially or physically dependent on a partner.
- Men in legal battles where leaving means risking custody of their children.
- Men trapped by financial or logistical constraints that make leaving a threat to their basic needs.
If that’s you, I get it. You might not be able to just walk out tomorrow. Yet, I’m also not suggesting you begin by walking out. The majority of men who I speak with who say they’re in toxic and abusive relationships haven’t erected even the tiniest of personal boundaries–like saying “I’m not willing to be spoken to like this,” and leaving a conversation or room. Or, they bluff and collapse the moment living by those words becomes uncomfortable.
But the principle still applies. Even if your ability to leave is limited, you must stop participating in the dynamic. That might mean:
- Withdrawing emotional engagement from the abuse.
- Refusing to play the “game” of conflict.
- Take the first steps—get legal advice, plan your exit, and reclaim your confidence.
Even if it takes time, planning, and effort, you must take whatever action is within your power.
And if you genuinely believe you have no power at all? Then that’s the first thing you need to challenge.
Because real helplessness is rare. But fear that masquerades as helplessness is everywhere.
No one is coming to save you. But the moment you decide to stop tolerating abuse and start standing up for yourself—you’ll realize you never needed anyone to save you in the first place.
If You or Someone You Know Is Experiencing Abuse, Reach Out for Help
Abuse is not something you have to endure alone. There are organizations ready to support anyone—man or woman—who is in an abusive situation. If you need help, please reach out to one of these resources:
United States
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-7233 (TTY: 800-787-3224) | www.thehotline.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) – 800-656-HOPE (4673) | www.rainn.org
United Kingdom
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Women’s Aid) – 0808 2000 247 | www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
- Men’s Advice Line (for male victims of abuse) – 0808 801 0327 | www.mensadviceline.org.uk
Canada
- ShelterSafe (For Women Fleeing Domestic Violence) – Find a shelter at www.sheltersafe.ca
- Talk4Healing (Indigenous Women’s Helpline) – 1-855-554-HEAL (4325) | www.talk4healing.com
Australia
- 1800RESPECT (National Domestic, Family & Sexual Violence Support Service) – 1800 737 732 | www.1800respect.org.au
- MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78 | www.mensline.org.au
International Resources
- The Pixel Project (Global List of Domestic Violence Hotlines) – www.thepixelproject.net/help-resources/get-help
- United Nations Directory of Domestic Violence Hotlines Worldwide – www.un.org/en/coronavirus/domestic-abuse
You are not alone. If you are experiencing abuse—whether you are a man or a woman—there is support available. Please don’t wait. Reach out today.
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