(And Why It Matters in Low-Intimacy Marriages with Infrequent and Dissatisfying Sex)
Low intimacy. Infrequent sex. Awkward, disappointing encounters. Passion that feels like it’s vanished.
If you’re here, you’re probably asking: What happened? Where did the spark go? And why can’t we get it back?
Before you start chasing the next communication hack or bedroom technique, I want to ask you a different question:
Have you become emotionally safe for her?
What Emotional Safety Actually Looks Like
Most men think they’re safe because they don’t scream, cheat, or lash out. But emotional safety isn’t about what you don’t do. It’s about how you show up when things get stormy.
Can you stay calm when she’s spinning?
Can you stay grounded when she’s overwhelmed?
Can you let her be her without making it all about you?
Most men—without realizing it—engage in what I’ll call feeble emotional behavior. It’s not that you’re weak as a man. But it’s a fragile way of relating. One that leaves her feeling alone, unseen, and—eventually—unwilling to open to you.
So What Is Emotional Safety?
Let’s get practical.
Emotional safety means your partner can bring her full emotional range—joy, fear, frustration, desire, doubt, even anger—into your presence… and trust that you won’t collapse, criticize, retreat, or make it about you.
It means she can be real without feeling like she has to walk on eggshells.
It means she can be messy without fearing judgment or shutdown.
It means she can speak her truth without you needing to fix it, fear it, or flee from it.
In plain terms, emotional safety is when she feels emotionally free around you—not because she gets everything she wants, but because she knows you can handle who she is without flinching.
And here’s the part most men miss:
It’s not something she creates. It’s something you create.
It’s not about having no boundaries. It’s about having such strong inner boundaries—such a deep, steady core—that her chaos doesn’t unravel you.
(And if your first reaction to reading this is, “Well what about her?! Why is it always on me?”—and you’re feeling tight, defensive, or angry—that’s your clue. That’s not emotional safety. That’s reactivity. That’s defensiveness. And it’s exactly what she feels when she tries to bring her full self to you. Think about it: I’m just a guy on the internet. If I can get your emotions twerked with a few paragraphs, how do you think she feels trying to share her inner world with you?)
When a woman feels emotionally safe?
She stops guarding herself.
She starts opening up.
And over time, she wants to give you her full self—including sexually.
You’re Not Reacting to Her Emotions…
You’re Reacting to Your Interpretation
Let’s clear something up.
You’re not actually reacting to her emotions.
You’re reacting to the meaning your brain is making about what it all means. And those meanings are leading you to feel things.
If you slow down and get honest, most of those feelings—underneath the irritation or withdrawal—are some version of this:
I feel weak. I feel small. I feel unsafe. I feel insecure.
That’s not a flaw. That’s a signal.
A signal that your internal story is:
Her emotional state means something bad for me.
That’s the lie that kills connection.
Because when her experience becomes your crisis, intimacy shuts down.
The Vegan at the Steakhouse: What Creates Experience?
Here’s one of the most useful metaphors I use with men:
Imagine going to a steakhouse with a militant vegan. You’re enjoying a juicy ribeye. They’re horrified. Maybe they’re ranting about animal rights, maybe they’re just squirming silently.
Now… ask yourself: What’s causing the difference in experience?
Is it the steak?
Is the ribeye making anyone feel anything?
Of course not. It’s just flesh on a plate. No intention. No power. Just sitting there.
The experience is created within the person. The same moment—same table, same meat, same lighting—creates entirely different emotional realities for you, the vegan, the chef, the waiter, the restaurant owner, even the cow (in a way).
That’s how human emotion works. Our stories—not our circumstances—create our experience.
And yet, most men believe their partner’s emotions are “doing” something to them.
No. You’re doing it to yourself—via the meaning you’ve attached.
When you begin to understand this, emotional safety becomes possible. Because you stop blaming others for your feelings and start leading yourself from within.
Why Low-Intimacy Marriages Happen
Here’s something most men don’t want to hear:
A woman will not stay physically naked with a man she doesn’t feel emotionally safe to be emotionally naked with.
If you think you can have sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy, you’re playing a losing game.
Sure, it might work for a while. She might “show up” in bed here and there. But long-term?
If she can’t cry around you… If she can’t get mad around you… If she can’t process her fear, grief, joy, and fire…
…then she won’t trust you. Not really. And certainly not with her body.
If you can only handle sunshine and warm days, she will never let you into her storm.
Because that storm is part of her, and if you retreat, criticize, fix, or disconnect when she brings it… she learns: It’s not safe to bring my full self here.
And from that place, her body closes. Her heart closes. Her sexuality goes dormant—not out of spite, but out of self-protection.
“But She’s Not Emotionally Safe Either…”
I hear this a lot.
“She shuts down too.”
“She doesn’t listen either.”
“She freaks out when I get emotional.”
And yes—it’s likely true. This is exactly what happens in enmeshed relationships. Neither person can fully show up. Both feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
But here’s what I want to say:
You go first.
That’s what leadership is. Not dominance. Not control. But initiative.
When you start creating emotional safety, you shift the pattern. You stop playing emotional ping-pong. You show her something solid.
And slowly, often surprisingly, she begins to reflect it back.
She starts seeing you not through her story of fear, but through the new reality you’re holding steady.
So, How Does a Man Create Emotional Safety?
Here’s where it starts:
- Stop seeing her emotions as threats.
- Stop reacting to her discomfort like it’s a personal attack.
- Stop needing her to be happy so that you can feel okay.
And instead…
- Learn to feel your own discomfort without outsourcing it.
- Stay in the room—not to fix, but to witness.
- Build a relationship with your own emotional range so hers doesn’t scare you.
Because here’s what makes you safe:
You know how to stay you—especially when she’s not okay.
And when she realizes that? That she can bring her full range into your presence without you retreating, criticizing, or collapsing?
That’s when she opens.
Emotionally. Sexually. Fully.
Real Strength Isn’t About Control. It’s About Presence.
A lot of men confuse emotional avoidance with strength. But that’s not strength—it’s fear dressed in masculine drag.
You want to know what strength looks like?
Think Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump, climbing the mast during a hurricane, screaming at the sky—not because he’s controlling the storm, but because he’s no longer afraid of being in it.
He’s there. Fully. Alive. Unmoved in his identity.
That’s the kind of presence a woman craves. One that doesn’t shut her down or try to fix her—but welcomes her as she is.
Because when you become that man?
She stops walking on eggshells.
She stops withholding.
She starts desiring you—not out of duty, but out of trust.
Want a better sex life?
Stop asking for more access to her body.
Start becoming a place where she can bring her soul.
When she can be naked emotionally, she’ll want to be naked physically.
And that, my friend, is what changes everything.
Want to Know How Emotionally Safe You Really Are?
If you’re wondering how you’re doing as a leader in your marriage—not just in decisions, but in emotional presence and connection—I’ve built a free tool to help you find out.
Take the Marriage Leadership Assessment now at
resilienthusbandbook.com
And if you’re feeling brave… let her take it about you too.
It might be the most important feedback you’ve ever gotten—and the first step toward the intimacy you’ve been craving.
For the Women Reading This…
If this article had you nodding your head—or maybe even crying in frustration—because you’ve been feeling the weight of leading emotionally in your relationship for far too long…
If you’re tired of trying to explain what you need only to be met with defensiveness, withdrawal, or confusion…
You’re not alone.
And you’re not crazy.
You’re carrying something your relationship was never meant to put entirely on your shoulders.
That’s exactly why I created RISE—a community experience for women who love their partner but are deeply frustrated with the stuckness in their relationship.
It’s for women who long to be led emotionally, but who also want to understand what’s really going on under the surface in a way that empowers—not blames—either of you.
If that resonates, you can learn more and join the waitlist here:
👉 rise.masterful.men
Because sometimes the next move… is yours.
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