Recently, a young man “Benny”, reached out to the great coaches over at Good Guys To Great Men for some insight about his relational challenges of his woman noticing another man. Benny gave his permission for some of the men in the GG2GM community to also weigh in on his concerns, which in a nutshell, were that his significant other was constantly speaking of other men – former lovers I presume – with positivity and fondness.
This was my response:
Hi Benny,
Steve shared your inquiry/questions/situation with a group of us and invited us to share our perspectives. I’m sure you’ll receive a variety fo them. We have quite a robust group of loving men, each with diverse and complimentary insights. What a great group to be a part of! It’s epic!
Frankly, I’m not all all concerned about you understanding your girlfriends words differently, etc. I am sure the men will comment on that and that’s great, just not my interest.
I’d rather focus on this statement you made because it reveals something that reminded me of my own younger years.
Couldn’t handle her talking about another man in such a “positive” manner in which she was happy to throw in my face. Yet when talking about me it was only “negative”. I mean, is it wrong of me to be pissed off that she would damage my brain with her positive thoughts and talk of another man? I hate this feeling. And this kind of thing has happened A LOT in our relationship.”
Benny
Benny… lets get real for a few minutes.
There are approximately 8 BILLION people on this planet. Assuming your girlfriend is heterosexual, about 4-5 billion males exist that could capture her attention. If she’s bi-sexual, you’re in even bigger trouble!
A good bit of those men probably make way more money than you. A good bit have way bigger cocks, last longer in bed, and in every measurable metric, out-perform you (and me).
What now?
Can a man do something about a woman noticing another man?
What can YOU do about this Benny?
A man like you can despair, tighten his belt, and get busy trying to accomplish the shit out of life… making tons of money, sculpting his body, and just killing it everywhere he can. That’s one option…
Does that sound good?
This is the guy who will also worry about cock size, baldness or hair line, and long for the extra bit of muscle tone.
This man will…
- Worry if it’s been two weeks since he’s had sex with his woman.
- Wince every time his lady has a desire for something he can’t afford.
- Do whatever is necessary to make more dollars.
- Exhausts himself adorning his external world to attract or keep a female.
- Start to feel uneasy when man comes near his girl that appears to be superior in some way.
- Grow uncertain what to do but he knows he has to do something RIGHT NOW or risk losing everything.
- Have a life consisting of one big epic mood swing from feeling good, to feeling like shit. When he feels like he’s killing it, life is awesome. If he’s not… like when he loses his job, gets injured, loses his hair or can’t get it up for his lady… his whole world feels like it’s crumbling.
Some females will be drawn to this man for a few brief moments. He’s like a peacock with a big tail of rich colorful feathers. They’re drawn in by the color and glitz, the charm, or how well he’s rehearsed his game. But… they leave when they don’t find any substance after a while.
They leave, or want to because of this fundamental truth: such a man doesn’t know who he is. At his core he’s lost and so he’s replaced substance with stuff and accomplishment. He’s a total bore to talk with over dinner and drinks. He needs endless attention. He’s not fun, can’t take a joke, and is overly sensitive. That’s what they think anyway.
This man will feel like he’s going to die when he notices his female pay attention to another man. How could she be so cruel. What kind of bitch would do such a thing to a fella!? How could she be so negative and damage his heart and brain in such a way?
The truth about a woman noticing another guy
The truth is Benny, she can’t help it. No woman can help it. The pain the man is experiencing in his heart and brain is coming from HIMSELF. It’s not from her. All those things happening a LOT in your relationship… that’s on you. That’s your foundation quaking as the water laps at the edges of your person. Your woman isn’t doing anything. You’re interpreting her words through the lens of what you believe about yourself.
If a man determines his own value, significance, and worth based on having a woman at his side – especially one with the physical attributes your gal enjoys – he’s fundamentally an incomplete man in and of himself. Instead of sharing himself with his female partner, he needs her to feel okay in himself. The prospect of her going toward another man feels like the threat of losing an arm or leg. That’s because he doesn’t know himself to be complete and okay already, with or without her.
Sadder still… women seem to only stay attracted to a man that knows who he is without her. He likes who is without her, and is comfortable living a life without her. Anything else and the woman instinctively knows is a man she can’t count on for love. He is man that will always need to suck from the tit of her validation. That makes that man her child, not her lover.
You know… I know this because I’ve been that man. We all have. The man who has really suffered at the mere thought of seeing a woman I “loved” become interested in other men. As a result, I feared that she might notice them. I’ve felt that cold, clammy, despairing feeling of “oh shit”. The one that appears when we think that maybe this woman is or has moved on. It’s a horrible feeling buddy, I know.
Is there hope?
The good news brother is that this feeling can take you to some REALLY good place – the best place – toward finding your true self. Not just finding him, but accepting him totally, liking who he is, and mapping out an epic adventure for him.
That guy… he can get all the women he wants, and MANY want him because he is a man prepared to give them something instead of needing to get something.
Hope this perspective along with that of my brothers helps you on your journey brother.
Warmly,
Sven
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