Just yesterday, I sent a brief message to my email list about having a “bleh” kinda season in life. I invited my subscribers to share some thoughts and concepts they wanted to hear more about.
Many responded and have given me some things to think about and respond to – thank you!
Today I’m struggling with a cold.
I hate being sick – it’s a lousy feeling. I hate it even more because there is little a person can do. There is little I can control to make the sickness go away.
Naturally then, when one of my subscribers – Tim – asked about the subject of control, it stood out to me as a good subject to discuss.
Tim’s questions
I think a good topic for me is around control. I think for a lot us dudes who are navigating troubled relationships there is this mirage or understanding that we must ‘tend’ to the relationship. This comes in the form of simply looking at her reactions, or taking to heart what she says (or doesn’t say), or watching the actions she takes (or doesn’t), or not wanting to do something for yourself because you feel it might mean less time you are giving the relationship, etc. But I think there is an element of control going on which is very subtle. It can be control over how we think we need to show up… or even some kind of control over her albeit being low-lying. My gut tells me that control is really a false image… that we don’t really have control (except for limited parts of ourselves). But I would like to hear more on the subject. Is control a sign of insecurity? Is control all bad? What is good control?
Tim
In this video I answer Tim’s questions and discuss what leads us into such behaviors. What’s behind them?
Take a gander…
Afterthoughts – suggested reading
By the way… I mention a book in the above video that I highly recommend for those seeking to understand this topic and enjoy one man’s story of gaining self-control and breaking free from co-dependency. The books is Scary Close – Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy by Donald Miller. Stay tuned in the weeks ahead for a book review and possible panel discussion surrounding the book.
Do you struggle with these issues? Let’s talk about that further.
In the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Glover says, “Nice guys aren’t nice.” He goes on to explain that nice guy behavior that tries to keep people from being mad at us to manipulate the outcome of a situation is essentially controlling. We seek to control people or circumstances to achieve an outcome that doesn’t make us feel mental pain. I never thought of myself as controlling. I always just thought I was being nice, but what I was really doing was selfish.