Let me tell you a story, from one man to another.
Years ago, I worked as a consultant, specifically in a software architect role. I recall one particular project for a company whose products you probably use daily. They called me in because things were totally on fire. A previous team—let’s just say they were “budget-friendly” but not exactly competent—had botched a major project. They’d worked for a year, spent seven figures, and their product crashed with less than a dozen users. Whoops! The whole thing was a disaster; the company was bleeding time and money. Heads were headed to chopping blocks.
My job? Step in, figure out what went wrong, fix it fast, and make everyone look good in the process. No drama, no finger-pointing. Just results. Oh – and do so under the radar.
So, my colleague and I rolled up our sleeves, dove into the broken mess, and rebuilt the whole thing in 90 days. It worked flawlessly. The client was thrilled, the stakeholders were happy, everyone won, and I felt like a rock star.
This was a normal occurrence. I was good at this. Problem-solving. Logic. Identifying what wasn’t working and fixing it. It was what I did best. I’ve always been the guy who can step into a situation where everyone’s stuck, see the problem clearly, and know precisely what needs to happen to fix it. It’s not that I walked around thinking I was the smartest guy in the room—it’s what my clients, colleagues, and stakeholders routinely said about me. I was (and still am) an extremely proficient problem solver.
But…
All that proficiency and brilliance meant absolutely nothing when I walked through my kitchen door. In fact, they were a liability.
The Seven-Figure Problem-Solver Who Couldn’t Debug His Two-Figure Marriage
At home, things were… not great. Awful actually. My wife and I weren’t connecting. Every conversation seemed to turn into an argument—or worse, icy silence. I’d pour my energy into diagnosing what was wrong in our marriage—figuring out her “misunderstandings” and “misconceptions.”
Spoiler alert: none of it worked.
In fact, the harder I tried to “fix” us, the worse it got. She pulled away. I got defensive. Then resentful. Pretty soon, we were like roommates who didn’t even like each other anymore.
Here’s the part that really hit me: all the skills that made me a hero at work were making me a villain at home.
- At work, my ability to spot mistakes and correct them was praised.
- At home, pointing out my wife’s “misunderstandings” made her feel I was gaslighting, dismissing, and making her feel stupid and small.
- At work, I could stay calm and logical under pressure.
- At home, my “logic” and rationality came off as cold and unfeeling.
- At work, solving problems made people happy.
- At home, it made her feel like she wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t get it. Why couldn’t she see that I was trying?
“Cerebral,” “Covert,” “Vulnerable”
Here’s the thing: If that had been going on today and my wife had started Googling my behavior—”husband who always thinks he’s right,” “husband who shuts down during arguments,” “husband who dismisses emotions”—she would’ve found articles and videos telling her she was married to a narcissist.
Not just any narcissist. Oh no, she’d find labels like:
- Cerebral narcissist: The guy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone, especially his partner.
- Covert narcissist: The guy who avoids conflict but seethes with hidden resentment.
- Vulnerable narcissist: The guy who looks confident but crumbles when criticized.
The internet today is not your ally in situations like this. Had that happened today, she’d almost certainly land on videos by people like Dr. Ramani Durvasula or Lewis Howes or articles by Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, all telling her that these behaviors are toxic, dangerous, and proof that I couldn’t change.
And you know what those articles lead many women to conclude? That guys like me can’t change or don’t ever change. That we’re toxic, abusive, and beyond hope. That the only solution for her—and the kids—is to get out now.
Let that sink in for a second.
What do you imagine your wife will feel reading or hearing “Get. Out. Now!”? Worse still, her Facebook and Instagram feed, thanks to the brilliance of social media algorithms, will then start doubling down on that message with an endless barrage of the same. Then she has drinks with a few friends; one mentions, “I think my husband might be a narcissist!” and the next thing you know – you’re looking for a place to live and having very hard conversations with your children or being alienated because you’re abusive.
I’m not exaggerating. I hear from people just about every week who are experiencing the sudden annihilation of their marriage, family, and wealth from scenarios just like this. Every. Week. This is really happening. Every husband and dad’s nightmare.
These aren’t malicious, evil, manipulative, controlling assholes, as most of us imagine when we hear the word “Narcissist.” They’re your average thirty-to-fifty-something husband and father who sees himself as faithfully providing and protecting his family, dutifully going to work, keeping his head down, and generally feeling a bit disillusioned with his marriage, intimacy, and life but trying to fix it and make it work better.
These men… they’re losing their families to social media “stars” and soulless algorithms that are capitalizing on one thing – the insecurity and incompetence that most men have from sheer ignorance and lack of awareness. It used to be that you could get by despite these. Not any more. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s an opportunity for men to step up and step forward.
How Close I Came to Losing It All
I don’t mind telling you: I was this close to losing everything without the internet being like that. My marriage, my kids, the life I’d worked so damn hard to build.
And here’s the crazy part: I wasn’t trying to be an ass. I was trying to save us! But everything I was doing—every instinct I had—was making things worse. Nothing worked. Nothing.
I was angry. Resentful. Confused. Why the hell couldn’t I figure this out? I mean, I could troubleshoot multi-million-dollar projects, but I couldn’t have a five-minute conversation with my wife without screwing it up and having days (sometimes weeks) of conflict?
What Changed Everything
Here’s the truth I had to face: my marriage didn’t need me to be a proficient problem solver. It needed me to be present.
I had to learn how to stop analyzing, stop defending, stop trying to “win,” stop trying to show my wife the misunderstanding of her perspectives, stop insisting on my sound thinking, and actually listen to what my wife needed.
I had to let go of my ego. The part of me that wanted to be right all the time. The part that got defensive when she pointed out something I wasn’t doing well.
I had to learn how to handle conflict without becoming overwhelmed, exasperated, walking out, shutting down, or blowing up. And most importantly, I had to stop seeing her feelings as problems to solve and start seeing them as opportunities to connect.
It wasn’t easy, and it sure as hell wasn’t comfortable. Oh my gosh was it uncomfortable! But I pressed through it and did the work. And I’ll tell you what: it was worth it. My wife and I haven’t had a significant argument in six years. We’re closer now than we’ve ever been. We’re two weeks from celebrating 30 years of marriage.
I don’t know how long one has to not encounter these symptoms for these experts to say our wives are safe, but I promise you, my wife would not agree with the experts (in fact, you can hear her share more about that in the course I made about this experience)
What About You?
Does any of this sound familiar?
- Do you feel unappreciated for your intelligence, capabilities, and accomplishments?
- Do you get incredulous when, after a big accomplishment or project, your wife finds the tiny speck that wasn’t perfect?
- Do you get defensive when your wife points out something you’ve done wrong?
- Do you avoid conflict but secretly stew about how unfair things feel?
- Do you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough for her?
If so, your marriage might be at risk. And I don’t say that to scare you—I say it because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to think you’re doing everything right and still watch things fall apart.
The Good News
Here’s what I want you to know: you can turn this around. I did it. I’ve also helped tons of men do so. It’s not easy. It’s not quick. It’s not cheap. If you want those things, I recommend you build relationships with local Realtors and Attorneys (neither of which will be easy, quick or cheap either).
You don’t have to lose your marriage. You don’t have to be the guy Googled as a “cerebral narcissist” while your wife is packing up the kids.
I know this because I did it. And that’s why I created something to help other men like us. In the spring, I reached out to my good friend, colleague, and mentor, Steve Horsmon from GoodGuys2Greatmen, and shared my recent experience with this alarming trend of men losing their marriage and family. I said, “Steve, we have to do something here. We know how to prevent this! We know these men are not likely narcissists and not beyond hope!”
So we made quick plans to get together. Steve flew across the country, spent time with my family and me, and together, we created a course about this, which we are both very proud of. We then spent four months writing a book to help men avoid these outcomes by understanding what is happening and how to fix the root causes. We didn’t do this for fortune but to help men avoid this nasty, evil scenario.
Old Skills, New Uses
I then decided to use the same technical skills that made me a killer software architect to build a very robust assessment—one that shows you exactly how your behaviors might come across to your partner. It’s honest, eye-opening, and the first step toward change. It analyzes your relationship behavior and scores how closely they match eight forms of narcissism (Grandiose, Covert, Vulnerable, Communal, Malignant, Somatic, Sexual, and Cerebral) and also gives you an overall score and an approximation of how some of your behaviors *might* also match diagnostic criteria for NPD (“Narcissistic Personality Disorder” – bear in mind – we aren’t mental health processions. This is an assessment of how your behaviors appear, not a test that can tell you if you are or aren’t a narcissist). It also gives you score-specific insights, tips, and understanding based on your scores. It’s 50 pages of clarity and help.
You’ll get the assessment and a copy of the book Narcissist! Or Not? for $30. It’s a small investment compared to what you stand to lose.
More importantly, it’s an investment in what you’ll gain:
- A relationship where your wife actually wants to talk to you.
- A home without constant tension or resentment.
- The peace of knowing you’re showing up as the man you want to be.
- Reconnection, closeness, and intimacy.
- A path to stop arguing and start enjoying one another.
Take the First Step
Look, you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to start.
Let’s figure this out together. Your marriage is worth it.
Recent Comments