I talk to men a LOT about this issue of uncertainty over a future relationship with a spouse. Men who’ve experienced painful relationships say this often. “I don’t know if I want to continue” or “maybe I don’t want to be married to this woman” or “I’m not sure she’s the one for me”. All of these work against a man.
Watch what I have to say to a man uncertain that his wife is the one for him.
Common to every man I speak with who is trying to determine if he wants to stay in his current relationship is the frustration that his spouse or significant other is not easy to relate to. She’s cold, distant, disconnected, and disinterested and he is p-i-s-s-e-d about it!
Whoa fella…. hold on a second!
What every one of these men also have in common is an apparent blockage in their understanding. It’s not yet occurred to them that generally speaking, women, being highly intelligent, emotionally-discerning and intuitive beings – do NOT want to be with people they sense have low regard for them.
When we as men are pondering a future in which we are no longer in the relationship, it’s because we are dissatisfied. This dissatisfaction might be something we believe is only internal, but we mine as well just have a t-shirt on that says “I am dissatisfied with you”. That’s what we’re communicating in our overall intention and energy toward her.
Uncertainty kills intimacy
Even more sad and ironic is that during these times, we are simultaneously communicating desire to be intimate, connect, etc. This is often in the form of bids for physical intimacy. Imagine how confusing it is for a woman to feel our dissatisfaction with her and our desire to have sex with her all at the same time. Can you say “confusing”?
Is it any wonder she’s in a bad mood? Wouldn’t we be?
What you want is good! (uncertainty if you want her is not!)
Listen… I want an emotionally fulfilling, deep, intimate connection with a woman as much as anyone else. I get it! That’s a good desire! Just bear in mind that there is no way to get that from a partner while concurrently considering a future without them. That’s like planning a vacation to Disney and packing for Antarctica. We either want a future with them or we don’t. A woman wants us to be a “hell yes!” and demonstrate it in our actions and attitude so she can believe it.
When we get pissy when they’re not warm to us and start thinking “maybe I don’t want to be in this relationship”, that just moves them farther away. The distance grows and thanks to the wonderful tendency of the human brain toward confirmation bias, we become increasingly convinced that “it can’t work with this one”. It’s a situation of our own making.
How to get there?
We have to be aligned inwardly. Our words, actions and intention must all align. They need to be headed in the same direction and that direction needs to be toward a future with her. If we are uncertain we want her, we are not aligned unless our goal is to move out of the relationship.
But wait… there’s more!
We need to mean it. Yep… mean it. Our words don’t mean squat here. Our actions must show that we’re in it.
What kind of actions?
The actions necessary to turn a woman’s heart toward your own start with turning your heart toward hers. They must be the kind that show acceptance, patience, kindness, love and high regard. If we want warmth from her, we must be warm toward her. If emotional connection is important, we must turn off the game, take her hand and bring emotional connection to her. Want depth? Be deep. Desire passion? Be passionate!
It’s up to us to bring into our person and relationship what we want to see. Our wives will never do this because it’s not what wives do, it’s what men do. Bring these to your wife in your strength and watch your world change.
Need some help getting clear on what you want and how to get it? Gimme a shout!