Let’s face it… relationships are hard! They’re frustrating, demanding, and often downright exasperating.
In the video below I speak about how our relationships are challenged and downright imperiled by a very subtle process of creating imaginary versions of our spouse.
Watch the video and then come back here and read on.
The imaginary wife
In case you missed it, the imaginary wife is any form of a wife/spouse that we are creating in my our mind through the subtle process of having thoughts about…
- What she must be thinking
- What she’s probably feeling
- The things she’s planning on doing
- And anything else that I imagine about her without facts
These are not our real wives. These are figments of our imagination that we give life to as we began to believe the narratives in our head without questioning them. She is our creation and she’s not real – at least not yet!
The problem is, we end up encountering in life what we create first in our minds.
Our wives has a very good chance of taking on the qualities we are assigning to them in our minds because we are already living as though they are this person! This means we’re showing up from work with the belief this is who she is, getting up from bed, sitting on the couch, listening to her on the phone, watching her move about in her day – all as though our thoughts are factual.
They usually aren’t and it rarely matters if they are!
Because we believe so poorly, everything in our bodies being to become aligned to that “truth” and we become emotionally, spiritually and physically prepared to encounter this version of our wives that we’ve been steadily imagining.
It’s just an imagination.
Our wives are uncertain why we look like we’re ready for bear, or like we’re some combination of constipated, angry and upset, but like us – they each likely have an imaginary husband that is constantly critiquing her, mad at her, and can just never be satisfied. And you know what? They really resent it!
Interestingly… are they right?
Well… perhaps right that moment our wives would be correct – we sorta have been critiquing them. We have been mad and we’re everything but satisfied come to think of it!
But they’re only “right” and we’re only “right” because the whole mess is something we’ve all been creating in our combined imagination!
This is the insidious nature of this process. It starts as subtle seemingly benign thoughts.
“Boy, what’s her problem?!”
“All I do around here and she just doesn’t care. The way she didn’t notice how I raked up that pile of leaves is proof! She doesn’t appreciate me!”
“She didn’t return my text. She’s probably talking to the young attractive guy she seems to like.”
“She feels really cold – guess that means no sex tonight?!”
“She never seems to be in the mood for sex!”
“This is all because her childhood. She’s really suffering from her abusive upbringing”
Why you should bury her in the backyard
Brother – wanna preserve your marriage?
Put the imaginary version of your wife to death and bury her in the backyard.
It’s not our real wife that’s the real problem. It’s these imaginary ones we created and are creating in our minds. They are the personification of every low regard, unlovely, unflattering and unfair view we’ve held of them.
Those imaginary wives deserve death, but not because of they’ve done something, but because they’re false – non-existent beings created of misinformation, misunderstanding, half-truths and flat out lies.
And “relating” to them instead of our real wives is robbing us of the life we really want (and she wants too). In fact, there isn’t any room for our real wives in our lives as long as we entertain these false versions.
“What about her false husband? Doesn’t she need to busy him? That’s not fair!”
First of all, yes, she does. But it’s on us to be a good masculine man, lead by example and watch what happens. What our wives do is not our responsibility nor should it be our prerequisite. Life isn’t fair and complaining about it is not the domain of men. Let’s do what we need to do as men.
What you should do instead
Is she buried yet? Good!
Now do this instead.
“But I already do Sven!”
Bullshit. This pattern isn’t love!
To love her means to hold her in high regard. Here’s an ancient way of describing it.
Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT
This kind of love believes the best. It compares incoming thoughts to what we know, by love, to be true about the person we married. It dismisses as not true or not important those imaginations that fail to maintain this view of our wives.
What that will do for you relationships
We have an incredible power to create as humans and as men and when we do, we are leading in very real and tangible ways.
Loving a wife like this is a great way to give our them the best possible space within which they can experience being their best with the loving support of a partner. The result is usually that our love returns to us packaged in the wonderful glorious package of the unique expression of the person we loved.
We experience more love as as give more love.
Relationships heal, recover and thrive where men do this!
How about you? Having some trouble burying your wife in the backyard? Need some extra hands?